Glamorous Prisoner Alike

I don't care. No matter how beautiful it is made from the glass, diamond, shitty gold, silver. No matter how many things it has within, how many stuffs it has within. Once it's called prison, so yeah it is. You might remember the story about a hummingbird in a cage. The owner decorated the cage with gold, ornaments, put a swing, water-glass, and little comfy pillows into the cage. That little hummingbird might enjoy the 'facilities', but he didn't get his freedom. So, no matter how luxurious it was, the bird wouldn't sing or hum. The owner asked that little pity hummingbird to hum and sing. He (a bit) forced the bird to sing whereas that little bird was so tired. Everytime the bird looked out the window and saw his friends humming chirping singing happily on the branch, he tried to get out of the cage. It made him basically depressed so he wouldn't sing. If the owner kept doing it to him, he could die miserably.

Or remember about the luxurious prisoners? They might be corruptor or millionaire, had earned a lot of money. So once they sentenced to be jailed, they could pay for extra facilities for their jails. How come! 42 inch LCD television, mini-bar, comfy couch, king-size bed, air conditioner, tablet PC, coffee-maker, even private bathroom inside a jail? Were they building a hotel room or what? Hahahaha, I know one thing and I'm totally sure. They weren't ready for the jail so they tried to 'move' their houses to the prison. Deep inside their heart should've said like this, "However, this is a 3x4 metres square jail where I can't breathe the fresh air. Air conditioner might be able to set the temperature as cool as we wish. But it couldn't give the real fresh air like the one outside there. They don't set me free".

Get the pressures from them, threatened, given (read : forced) so many dumpy tasks to do, so quickly I become quite rascal. I always try to get out and runaway, eventhough runaway won't solve the problem. At least, I just want to breathe the fresh air. I just want to sing happily like the hummingbirds singing on the branch of apple tree. I don't care whether its service is great. I know that what's written in the leaflet is different with the fact. For this long, my parents pay for my sadness. Because I don't get anything. I get the sadness and threats. Unnoticed, left alone, and I don't belong.

Dear God.. I wonder how long I can survive there..

4 Years Has Explained It All

I should hadn't decided it or changed my decision of moving. Or I might be in confusion and trapped in a dilemma so I decided to move. But lately I was aware that it wasn't the answer for what I'd wanted as my best. I've been there, in that place for about 4 years. Counted since 2006, when I was in 2nd year of primary high school. So I must have seen so many changes and I must have known what got worse and got better. In percentage, I bet it's about 75% to 80% the things get worse. I lost the best teachers ever and yeah so hard to ask them to come back. Perhaps some of them are too tired to come back, or unwilling to teach in that place again. Especially if they realise the newest condition of the place. I'm not going to blame them for departing the place because of the guys. So, will I do the same like they've done?

Majority, guys who have been in that place before and now they're out of that place. They're unwilling to come back (to sign). They've seen the changes and what do they think about that?

"Suck it!"
"Oh God, I don't believe that. Totally changed!"
"I can't believe that. Everything gets worse, huh?"
"Pah! I don't wanna come back there. It's enough! 3 years are enough for me."
"Hahaha! So happy being outta there. I'm unbounded!"
"Wow, how could?"
"Thanks God I've been graduated and live in another story!"
"I don't know everyone here. Everyone has changed, so does the environment."
"All are rascals, eh?"

So happy to be like them. I wish I can be unbounded. Hey, why should I learn or go to school if I'm not happy being there?

Feel Pity of My Parents, But Also Irritated..

Dilemma. Shit, I don't wanna be trapped in this situation. Yeah, a situation where I should be pity of my parents whereas what they do or what they say are totally irritating. Little fights can cause bigger and bigger trouble. And the peak is when one of us starts crying. Well actually it's damnfully hurting. Mom keeps making me annoyed and irritated until finally I scream aloud or runaway from home as the climax. Dad is hardly ever at home. Getting busier day by day with his works, so I almost lose the figure of dad. The saddest part, when every birthday my dad is not around. Singapore, Borneo, Bali, Thailand, what I want for the birthday is presence. IDR 500.000 is in my hand, but it's going to be useless when the family is incomplete. I've been like that, birthday without my dad even without both of my parents for so long. Soon I get used to celebrate it with my friends. So once we celebrate it together at home, I feel so strange. When I ask them to gather on my birthday, and I really really want them to be there. Instead they reply, "You should understand! You never want to understand. How can you grow up if so? Dad is busy and you keep asking him to be there! You have to think about that, don't be selfish!". Mom, look at me. I'm a boy without dad if so. See, how did dad come home and stayed for a night only then he'd fly to another city, over and over again?!

The decision to move. It's in my hand now. I can decide to move or not. I wish to move, yeah I wish. But, I look back at my parents. They have paid for that expensive, and when I decide to move, it means that they should pay more. I see how hard they've worked for us. They carry heavier loads than me. I'm depressed, harassed, devastated, threatened indirectly, insulted, even forced to do something I don't like (or at least I'm too tired to do that). That's all the main point, why I should move soon. But.. look back at my parents again. Feel so pity of them. I should stay in my school, yeah.. keep tortured, at last for last a year. But, that year, it's gonna be hard year. Counting day by day, I wonder how hard it will be. How many threats and insults I should face again?

Definitely can't be considered as 'healthy' person. I'm so sick. So sick. Let me make a confession here : I keep trying all the way to run and to refresh my mind from those shits. The way I refresh my mind and get out from that fucking life : Dancing, listening to the music, playing music, going crazy (like laughing aloud or getting drunk), and.. the last point I shouldn't mention it. Calm down, I won't mess with anyone. And how many nights should I face with tears? Midnight with tears, I almost have it every night. I haven't done something for my parents. So I should do something for them. But sometimes their words are annoying and make me mad. I don't know what to say but actually I hate to be like this. Sometimes I think to cut off my head or hang my neck on that birch tree or burn myself or drowning myself into a hot tub.

My Favorite : Gaga's Pieces

Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta (Lady Gaga), born on March, 28 1986. Worked as a songwriter for fellow label artists and captured the attention of Akon, who recognized her vocal abilities, and got her signed to his own label, Kon Live Distribution. Her debut album, The Fame, was released on August 19, 2008. In addition to receiving generally positive reviews, it reached number one in Canada, Austria, Germany and Ireland, and topped the Billboard Top Electronic Albums chart. Its first two singles, "Just Dance" and "Poker Face", co-written and co-produced with RedOne, became international number-one hits, topping the Billboard Hot 100 in the United States as well as the charts of other countries. The album later earned a total of six Grammy Award nominations and won awards for Best Electronic/Dance Album and Best Dance Recording. In early 2009 she embarked on her first headlining tour, The Fame Ball Tour. By the fourth quarter of the year, she had released her second studio album The Fame Monster, with the global chart-topping lead single "Bad Romance", as well as having embarked on her second headlining tour of the year, The Monster Ball Tour.

The short info above is taken from wikipedia. I started listening to Gaga's songs since the first time I heard "Just Dance" from my phone (which I didn't know how could it be on my phone). Started downloading other Gaga's songs and now I have "The Fame Monster" album on my iTunes playlist. Gaga has great ideas in style. As you may know that her style has influenced a big number of people. Her fashion style and "finger-eyeglasses" has been her trademark.

My favorite Gaga's songs :

Poker Face

Two dalmatians.. So quaint --"

Some friends of mine commented, "She looked like a scarecrow.."

Gotta buy eyeglasses like hers!

Alejandro (I keep waiting for this music video! Whoaaa! Launch the MV quicker!)

Bad Romance

The first scene is so crowded

Look! omg what did she do with her hair? A hairdo is bunny-ear alike

Hair color like a carrot LOL

Telephone (featuring Beyoncé)

 Diet coke as hair roll >.<

Red telephone, reminds me to my cousin's phone toy

Remembering Barney and Friends

Remembering my childhood. I always sat in front of the television on the morning waiting for Barney and Friends show. Then I'd sing and dance following the dance and the music. Hahahaha! It must have been a long long time and still I remember the song, especially the theme song and "I Love You" song. Realizing that I've grown up so I guess it will be a bit ridiculous if I keep dancing following the dance and the music on the show. So I just watch the show while keeping little children dancing jumping and singing during the show.

Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination
And when he's tall
He's what we call a dinosaur sensation

Barney's friends are big and small
They come from lots of places
After school they meet to play
And sing with happy faces

Barney shows us lots of things
Like how to play pretend
ABC's, and 123's
And how to be a friend

Barney comes to play with us
Whenever we may need him
Barney can be your friend too
If you just make-believe him!

Ah, one of my favorite episodes was when the children and Barney sang "Mr.Sun"
Here is the lyric below :


Oh Mr. Sun. Sun. Mr. golden sun. Please shine down on me.
Oh Mr. Sun. Sun. Mr. golden sun. Hiding behind a tree.
These little children are asking you. To please come out so we can play with you.
Oh Mr. Sun. Sun. Mr. golden sun. Please shine down on me.

Oh Mr. Sun. Sun. Mr. golden sun. Please shine down on me.
Oh Mr. Sun. Sun. Mr. golden sun. Hiding behind a tree.
These little children are asking you. To please come out so we can play with you.
Oh Mr. Sun. Sun. Mr. golden sun. Please shine down on, please shine down on,
Please shine down on me!

And also "The Isty Bitsy Spider" song.

The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the rain and washed the spider out
Up came the sun and dried up all the rain
The itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again 

And at last we used to sing this song. What a lovely song! Hahaha.. Reminds me to my childhood :D Missing it so much!

I love you,
You love me,
We're a happy family,
With a great big hug,
And a kiss from me to you,
Won't you say you love,
Me TOO!

From: http://www.musicbabylon.com

P-po-po-po-poker Face, P-po-po-poker Face..

Mum mum mum mah
Mum mum mum mah

I wanna hold em' like they do in Texas Plays
Fold em' let em' hit me raise it baby stay with me (I love it)
Luck and intuition play the cards with Spades to start
And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh,
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got

Can't read my,
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)
Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)

I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be
A little gambling is fun when you're with me I love it)
Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun
And baby when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun, fun
[Poker Face Lyrics On http://www.elyricsworld.com/ ]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh,
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got

Can't read my,
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)
Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)

I won't tell you that I love you
Kiss or hug you
Cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin
I'm not lying I'm just stunnin' with my love-glue-gunning
Just like a chick in the casino
Take your bank before I pay you out
I promise this, promise this
Check this hand cause I'm marvelous

Can't read my,
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)
Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)

Can't read my,
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)
Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)

Can't read my,
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)
Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(She's got to love nobody)

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)

P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)

Pathetically Monotonous

We (representing my friends who think the same thing) have seen the changes and the differences. The conclusion : 'It' doesn't work or get better day by day. How did we know that? We've stayed there for a long time. For me, I've been there for 4 years. I must have seen so many changes happened, and it just goes on the wrong side. Getting worse day by day. Doesn't it suck?

Working on the same job (no better changes, no fair payment either), playing the same song, performing the same performances on the same narrow stage, doing the same shitty works. Hey, wait a sec. They hire the same persons in each shows! Why do they do that?

"You've been playing so good so we trust you."

"You're easy to be hired. We all know you well."

"Ah, no need preparation anymore. Just perform!"

"We believe that you'll perform the best. You've performed so many performances. Just perform."

"Well.. Can we pay by this snack (kids snacks)?"

"Because you've been used and we trust that you'll work for us."

What the fvk!! The hell with that! We've been used, and.. Oh God, I gotta get outta the place!

"Prepare the instruments!"

"You should bring your own cable!"

"Find the tripod!"

We're performers, but they urge us to prepare everything by ourselves. No better services. The place must be disqualified as a stage. Shitty damnfully disgusting!

The most disgusting thing called "You-mock-you-eat". They insult us, mock us, but they'll need us in an event.

"Ah, you guys just wasting your time singing and playing the shitty music!"
"Go to the class! Music is not so important!"
"You're a naughty student, so naughty.."

In other times :

"Hey, you guys gotta play the music for the ............ event. Can you perform for us, please..."

"Go to the music room! You guys gotta prepare for some pieces!"
"You're so clever and genius in music! I guess you should perform us some pieces.."

Hypocrite! Mid-finger up for 'em.

Because I'm Stupid

내 머리는 너무나 나빠서
너 하나밖에 난 모르고
다른 사람을 보고있는 넌
이런 내마음도 모르겠지
너의 하루에 나란 없겠지
또 추억조차 없겠지만
너만 바라만 보고있는 난
자꾸 눈물이 흐르고있어

너의 뒷모습을 보는것도 난 행복이야
아직 나의 마음을 몰라도
끝내 스치듯이 가도

니가 너무 보고싶은 날엔
너무 견디기 힘든 날에는
너를 사랑한다 입가에 맴돌아
혼자 다시 또 crying for you
혼자 다시 또 missing for you
Baby! I love you! I'm waiting for you!

너의 하루에 난 없겠지
또 기억조차 없겠지만
너만 바라만 보고있는 나
혼자 추억을 만들고 있어

내겐 사랑이란 아름다운 상처같아
너의 예쁜 미소를 보아도
함께 난 웃지도 못해

니가 너무 생각나는 날엔
가슴 시리고 슬픈 날에는
니가 보고싶다 입가에 맴돌아
혼자 다시 또 crying for you
혼자 다시 또 missing for you
Baby! I love you! I'm waiting for you!

Bye bye never say good bye
이렇게 잡지 못하지만
I need you 아무 말도 못해 I want you 바래도 다시 바래도

니가 너무 보고싶은 날엔
너무 견디기 힘든 날에는
너를 사랑한다 입가에 맴돌아
혼자 다시 또 crying for you
니가 너무 생각나는 날엔
가슴 시리고 슬픈 날에는
니가 보고싶다 입가에 맴돌아
혼자 다시 또crying for you
혼자 다시 또 missing for you
Baby! I love you! I'm waiting for you! 

Nae meoriga neomuna nappaseo
Neo hanapakke nan moreugo
Tareun sarameun pogoittneun neon
Ireon naema-eumdo moreugettji
Neoui harue naran eoptgettji
Tto chu’eokjoch’a eoptgettjiman
Neoman paraman pogoittneun nan
Chakku nunmuli heureugoisseo
Neoui dwaetmoseubeul poneungeotdo nan haengbokiya
Ajik naui ma-eumeul mollado
Kkeutnae seuch’ideusi kado
Niga neomu pogosip’eun nalen
Neomu kyeondigi himdeul naleneun
Neoreul saranghanda ipgae maemdola
Honja dasi tto CRYING FOR YOU
Honja dasi tto MISSING FOR YOU
Baby! I love you! I’m waiting for you!
Neoui harue nan eoptgettji
Tto kieokjoch’a eoptgettjiman
Neoman paraman pogoittneun nan
Honja ch’ueokeul mandeulgo isseo
Naegen sarangiran areumdaun sangch’eokat’a
Neoui yeppeun misoreul poado
Hamkke nan utjido mothae
Niga neomu saenggaknaneun nalen
Kaseum sirigo seulp’eun naleneun
Niga pogosip’ta ipgae maemdola
Honja dasi tto CRYING FOR YOU
Honja dasi tto MISSING FOR YOU
Baby! I love you! I’m waiting for you!
Bye, bye, never say goodbye
Ireohke chapji mothajiman
I need you amu maldo mothae I want you
Paraedo dasi paraedo
Niga neomu pogosip’eun nalen
Neomu kyeondigi himdeul naleneun
Neoreul saranghanda ipgae maemdola
Honja dasi tto CRYING FOR YOU
Niga neomu saenggaknaneun nalen
Kaseum sirigo seulp’eun naleneun
Niga pogosip’ta ipgae maemdola
Honja dasi tto CRYING FOR YOU
Honja dasi tto MISSING FOR YOU
Baby! I love you! I’m waiting for you!

I’m really, very foolish
I know of no one other than you
You’re looking at someone else
Yet you have no idea of my feelings like this
I won’t be in your days
I won’t be in the memories either, however
Only you, I looked only at you
And the tears keep coming
As I watch you walking past, I’m still happy
Even though you still don’t know my heart
I should stop this and go
I really want to see the day
I’m withstanding the pain each day
“I love you” is playing on my lips
Alone once again, crying for you
Alone once again, missing for you
Baby, I love you, I’m waiting for you
I won’t be in your days
I won’t be remembered either, however
Only you, I looked only at you
I’m making memories alone
Loving you is like having a beautiful wound
I look at your pretty smile also
But I cannot laugh with you
I’m thinking about you so much everyday
My heart is hurting in all these sad days
“I want to see you” is playing on my lips
Alone once again, crying for you
Alone once again, missing for you
Baby, i’m waiting for you, I love you
Bye bye, never say goodbye
Even though I cannot hold you like this
I need you, I cannot say anything more, I want you
I keep on hoping too, I’ll keep hoping….
I really want to see the day
I’m withstanding the pain each day
“I love you” is playing on my lips
Alone once again, crying for you
I’m thinking about you so much everyday
My heart is hurting in all these sad days
“I want to see you” is playing on my lips
Alone once again, crying for you
Alone once again, missing for you
Baby, I’m waiting for you, I love you

May You'll Find Some Comfort Here

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh a beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight life
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe
in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Actually, I find some grammatical errs on the lyric. But I don't know exactly. So I just let it be.

The Father's Song

New entries on my iTunes playlist came from J.ae, with her new album titled "With Me". I take a song titled "아버지의 노래"  (The Father's Song), here is the lyric below (hangeul) :

수 많은 노래들 중 가장 뛰어난 노래
나를 향한 아버지의 노래
아버지의 사랑으로
영원히 내 맘 속에 새겨져 있는
아 버지의 노래

천상의 그 멜로디
창조주의 심포니
주 당신이 부르시네
나를 향해

사랑의 왕을 주신
하늘의 그 신비를
주 당신이 부르시네
나를 향해

I try to translate it with the help of Google Translate (eventhough sometimes it contains some errs). Here is the translation below :

The best songs of many songs
For me my father's song
Father's love
Forever etched in my mind
That Father's Song

The Melody of Heaven
Creator's Symphony
Week is calling you
Towards me

I gave the king
The mystery of the sky
Week is calling you
Towards me

 Reminds me of Daddy. I'm so missing him..