Feel Pity of My Parents, But Also Irritated..

Dilemma. Shit, I don't wanna be trapped in this situation. Yeah, a situation where I should be pity of my parents whereas what they do or what they say are totally irritating. Little fights can cause bigger and bigger trouble. And the peak is when one of us starts crying. Well actually it's damnfully hurting. Mom keeps making me annoyed and irritated until finally I scream aloud or runaway from home as the climax. Dad is hardly ever at home. Getting busier day by day with his works, so I almost lose the figure of dad. The saddest part, when every birthday my dad is not around. Singapore, Borneo, Bali, Thailand, what I want for the birthday is presence. IDR 500.000 is in my hand, but it's going to be useless when the family is incomplete. I've been like that, birthday without my dad even without both of my parents for so long. Soon I get used to celebrate it with my friends. So once we celebrate it together at home, I feel so strange. When I ask them to gather on my birthday, and I really really want them to be there. Instead they reply, "You should understand! You never want to understand. How can you grow up if so? Dad is busy and you keep asking him to be there! You have to think about that, don't be selfish!". Mom, look at me. I'm a boy without dad if so. See, how did dad come home and stayed for a night only then he'd fly to another city, over and over again?!

The decision to move. It's in my hand now. I can decide to move or not. I wish to move, yeah I wish. But, I look back at my parents. They have paid for that expensive, and when I decide to move, it means that they should pay more. I see how hard they've worked for us. They carry heavier loads than me. I'm depressed, harassed, devastated, threatened indirectly, insulted, even forced to do something I don't like (or at least I'm too tired to do that). That's all the main point, why I should move soon. But.. look back at my parents again. Feel so pity of them. I should stay in my school, yeah.. keep tortured, at last for last a year. But, that year, it's gonna be hard year. Counting day by day, I wonder how hard it will be. How many threats and insults I should face again?

Definitely can't be considered as 'healthy' person. I'm so sick. So sick. Let me make a confession here : I keep trying all the way to run and to refresh my mind from those shits. The way I refresh my mind and get out from that fucking life : Dancing, listening to the music, playing music, going crazy (like laughing aloud or getting drunk), and.. the last point I shouldn't mention it. Calm down, I won't mess with anyone. And how many nights should I face with tears? Midnight with tears, I almost have it every night. I haven't done something for my parents. So I should do something for them. But sometimes their words are annoying and make me mad. I don't know what to say but actually I hate to be like this. Sometimes I think to cut off my head or hang my neck on that birch tree or burn myself or drowning myself into a hot tub.