December 2013, The Hated One

What could I say here? I guess the title is obvious enough to tell what happens with me and this cursed 2013 December. Well as for me, this December is cursed. At first, I thought that this December would be great. I thought of having fun with my friends on Christmas day. But it was just my thought and it would not come to reality. This December is, really, cursed. 

I could not tell what really happens with me but you might have depiction of what happens with me. You feel like there is one month which is cursed and there's so much pressure for the whole month and you feel suffocated, slowly dying painfully. No, I'm not talking about committing suicide. But you know how it feels, right, to have pressure choked you--probably to death. I'm not talking about my assignments either. Here, there's something breaking inside of me and I wonder how to mend it. Would it be mended? 

Best Friend or .....

We are classmates. Yes, she and I. And I wonder why there's a feeling growing for her in me.

As for now, she's my best friend. Yeah, I consider her a best friend. She's nice, smart, humble, and.. well I don't know but she has something that makes her unique. I do believe that everyone is unique in their own way but, she's unique and yeah, she's just unique and I like her uniqueness. She's simply a quiet girl. Sometimes we have a small talk--about classes, assignments, music, games, or whatnot. I love that moment--the moment we have small talk while enjoying our meal. We've had a small group discussion about the subject we study and I like the moment of togetherness we have during the discussion. I usually sit facing her, or next to her. Actually I prefer sitting next to her, that I could feel the closeness between she and I. She reads her book and I browse the internet on my iPad. However, I can't take my eyes off of her that I secretly stare at her while hiding my face behind my iPad.

I'm not sure whether or not I'm falling in love right now. One thing I have to confess is that, I think I like her. I like her and I like being with her, but somehow I know that becoming her best friend would be better, due to some reasons. We've been friends and I'm afraid things won't be the same after I confess my feeling to her. This must sound awkward but yeah, this is true. This is what happens to me. I'm afraid that we can't be friends anymore. But I like her. And that feeling grows bigger and bigger each day and it starts to kill me slowly. What should I do then? What do I have to do when I eventually realize that I really am deeply falling in love with her? It's okay to be rejected but it's not okay to lose a friend. In other words, I don't want to lose her.

Gosh! What should I do now?

*nowplaying: Jason Chen - Best Friend*

Defining Myself

And it happened, again.

I don't know--well--I wonder why I am like this, in other words, become like this. Apparently I have an alter-ego which unpredictably shows up, surprising (probably) people around me, and me myself as well. Or, let's say that I have a bunch of shits which I'd really like to throw away from my mind but I just don't know how to do that that it keeps burdening me to death. Sounds annoying, doesn't it, when you feel burdened and you wanna scream the shits out but you can't because of something undefinable holds you so tight that you--whether you like it or not--gotta swallow those shits back and let them make you suffocate.

I myself feel pity for myself, for being like this, for being me. If I were someone else, if I were not Klaus, or if I were not destined to become this twenty years old dumbass... yeah you know I wonder how my life would be. Would it be better, or would it be worse? Well I'd never know because it would never happen, me becoming someone else.

I sometimes talk to myself, asking who I really am, what is the purpose of my life, and what I want to become. I seem not to have clear answer for those questions because.. you know, I change unpredictable and my mood could change within minutes as well, making me myself confused of who I really am, or what kind of human being I am. At some times on the peak of depression, I take a cutter and cut my arm like the way mom cuts chicken breast into fillet. I feel free, like I've just freed myself. People say, and my big brother says as well, that it's abnormal and that I have to stop it, but I don't feel like stopping it, and I have my own reason.

Why do I have to stop cutting my arms when depressed? Because that's how I--at my weakest point--express my emotion. I can throw things, even hurt people to death, but I don't want to. That's why I hurt myself. Well, that's not hurting for me, that's a good method of expressing my emotion without hurting other people or creating damage on things.

I feel like this writing is so crazy. My writing--this writing sounds so crazy that I seem to make such a nonsense writing, talking about myself, my insanity, my unstable mentality, or whatnot. And hereby I'd like to end this post by screaming aloud (it's actually just one word typed in all caps)

FUCK!

Marbles

While my friends are talking about playing "hide and clap" after watching The Conjuring, I remember of marble game I used to play when I was a child instead. Actually, there's nothing scary about the game. It was an ordinary marble game; children shot the marbles, aiming opponent's marbles. I used to play the game with my friends at my backyard or any wide, open space like field or whatnot. In this story, it was not the game that is scary. It was not the players who are scary. It was the place that is scary.

I remember having played the game with my friends at a friend's backyard. The backyard is located near an old, neglected, unoccupied house. Alas, the backyard does not have any fences or frontiers. In other words, my friend's house and the unoccupied house share the same backyard (you might be able to imagine how the location is like). Making it clear, I'll try to describe the location: my friend's backyard is located between my friend's house and the unoccupied house. Have a clearer image now?

 It was only three of us, and I was the youngest. As the youngest among the group members, I often time got the harder 'duties' such as collecting the marbles after the game, or being the one who is blindfolded in "hide and seek" game, or being frequently defeated in playing certain games since I had not been well-skilled yet. Clouds shrouded us and the house looked so scary. As the sky got darker and darker, the house became more scary as well. Windows were left unveiled, revealing interior of the house. Every time I looked at one of those windows, I saw dark rooms, with spiderwebs on the wall and dusty ceiling. I was simply scared, yet somehow curious; wondering if someone suddenly showed up in the window and blinked at me. At that time, I could not enjoy the game. I felt like someone was watching us from one of those windows.

My friends enjoyed the game. They really had fun. I, who felt uncomfortable with the situation, decided to quit playing the game and ended up watching them playing. I stayed close to a friend, the oldest, and tried not to look at the house. But my eyes seemed to lose control, keeping looking at the house. Realizing that I had been just watching the game, the oldest one asked me to collect the marbles instead of doing nothing but watching. I refused at first because they shot the marbles far, near the neglected house. My friends forced me to collect it, telling me that everything would be fine and they would be there for me if something wrong happened. I doubted it but eventually walked to collect the marbles. As I got closer to the house, I felt like the house was watching me (this part would sound like a children horror story). The windows were the eyes, the door was the mouth. It was really dark inside the house that I could feel the darkness though I stayed outside. My heart beat fast that I dropped the marbles I collected. After collecting all the marbles, I came back quickly and requested my friends not to shoot too far. Fortunately, before they continued the game the rain started falling down so we ended the game and went home.

The house itself; it had been left unoccupied for years. Some occupants who had lived there; a family consisting of a married couple with their little daughter, and a family consisting of an old woman with her granddaughter; they seemed not to live for a long time there. The first family lived there for probably two or three years and then moved out. The old woman and her granddaughter occupied the house for a couple years and then they moved out. The house became unoccupied for years until another family lived there. Unfortunately, the family often times caused trouble for the neighbors that I, personally, hated them. The first two families were good family, and they moved out. When it came time for another family to occupy the house, it was an annoying family who occupied the house. I wonder if the house is somewhat cursed.

Honestly, I've been visited the house, once in my lifetime when the first family occupied the house. It was a big house and had several big rooms. I liked the size of the rooms, but I hated its kitchen; it was dark and dirty. The atmosphere of the house was really cold, and still I wonder why.

So it was not the marble game that is scary. It was the place where we played the game that is scary.

(Not) Getting along well

So, where should I start it from?

Okay, he is a friend of mine and I've known him for about three years. He is one of my first college friends and he's given me a friendly, easy going impression that I thought we could be good friend. However as time goes by, things change. So do people. I'll never know what would happen on the first second after this post is successfully posted.

We became friends and I thought we would be good friend, or best friend, or whatnot. He was an easygoing person, unlike me who was quite selective in making friends, resulting on my cold behavior towards certain people. He was quite well-known, and I should admit it he was (and is still) good in making friends by giving them friendly impression. Time went by and we fought once, or rather, there was a misunderstanding that I pulled myself back, abandoning him. "He's got a lot of friends" I thought and that was, that really was true. He got a lot of friends and anywhere he went, he greeted someone; his friend.

He once said something that (actually) hurt me, resulting on myself loathing him, looking down on him. I had good times on my first semester and there, I suddenly thought to make up with friends whom I thought I had problems with, including him. I started to talk to him again, asking about weather, homework, or whatnot. We eventually became closer but still, something was stirring up my mind like maelstrom; there was something annoying inside of him that sometimes showed up. I kept trying to get along well with him but when that annoying thing came up, I got upset and we got apart. Often times I started a small talk in making up with him but later dispute started and we, again, got apart.

What I know is that to me, he has been a brother and he probably doesn't know about it though I've mentioned about it before to him, telling him that he's a brother to me. He might have forgotten it. He might have, but I am not sure exactly, whether he was good at memorizing or not. At home, I sometimes fight with my elder brother and we eventually make up. That's the same thing happening to me and him, a friend of mine. What bothers me is that I, honestly, hate things to be like this; there is a misunderstanding, and we fight, and someone starts a small talk, and we make up, and annoying thing comes, and we fight again, and someone starts a small talk, and we make up again. The cycle is something that, I think, should be changed. Am I going to always be like a friend-but-fiend to him? And is he going to always be a brother-that-bothers to me?

I always expect that he and I could understand each other well. I expect that we could really get along as well. As he is a brother to me, I wish to do my best, becoming not only a friend but also a brother for him. And I wish him to do the same. I think I have not really got along well with him, and I wish I could.

Am I shrinking?

It's been about a month and half for me to not go to campus. So today I went to campus due to an appointment and I immediately realized something different there.

It's not that I met new people; those new students coming from all over places in this country. I saw the buildings seemed to 'grow' bigger. I walked through corridors and realized that they got bigger, wider, and longer. Ceilings seemed to be higher that it had used to be. Window panes were as clear as today's blue sky. Lifts went faster. Rooms were brighter that it had used to be. Walls were clean; almost no flaw found.

Was it the building that really changed, or was it just me, who seemed to shrink?

Minor characters in our life

So, let me begin by telling you a prologue.

As a pianist, I of course play piano. When performing solo piano play, the stage becomes mine; I'll become the one who is spotted by spotlight. The focus of attention would be--definitely--me. When performing a piano concerto, I'm accompanied by orchestra. However, the grand piano would be in the center of the stage (again, it becomes the center of attention) and the orchestra would be behind the grand piano, arranged in semi-circle lines surrounding the piano. But there are times when I perform with a singer and the focus of attention moves to the singer. Yes, the one who will stand in the front-center of the stage is the singer, not the pianist. The piano would be placed behind, though audience could still see it. Speaking of volume mixer, the trigger for singer would be turned up that the voice of the singer would be heard clearer and louder, and the one for piano would be set in such a way that it would not dominate the music and therefore, piano would be just an accompaniment.

I could say that as a pianist, I sometimes take major parts in a performance but in other times, I take minor ones. I 'sacrifice' myself to become minor part in a performance that somebody else could play major part and become the star. And guess what? It just happens. When I know that I would perform a solo piano play, then I know that I'll be the focus of the attention. When I'm told that I will perform with a singer, then I know that I am the one who would accompany the singer, not the singer who would accompany me. And of course, I would not ask the crew to place the grand piano in the front-center of the stage, and ask the singer to stand right behind the grand piano that I would be the one who is spotted by the spotlight. I immediately know my role; who I am and what I would do. And one more important thing: it is done sincerely.

Actually, the issue I'm bringing up is about minor characters in our life. Back to the prologue, you could see that a pianist could perform as a protagonist (when performing a solo piano play), or a deuteragonist (when performing as music accompaniment). In our life, there are some people who 'sacrifice' themselves that we become the one who take major part in life. I have to call it a 'sacrifice' since it is done sincerely. Though the pianist perform only as a music accompaniment, but he does it sincerely; he does not complain about his position for he knows his role.

Those who sacrifice themselves would be the minor part in life, letting us become the major part. Then, who are they? How do they sacrifice themselves that we become the major part in life? Could I start by saying these: family, relatives, friends. Rings the bell, doesn't it?

Our parents do have dreams and expectations. Yes, they do, for they are human-beings. They have us. We live as human-being in this world, becoming part of our parents' life. Again, we are human-being, therefore we have dreams and expectations. To reach expectations is not an easy thing. You have to work hard and put your best effort in it. Our journey might not be as beautiful as a big cruise ship gliding smoothly in vast ocean; we might be stumbled, we might fall, we might cry, we might bleed. The journey to our destination--our expectation might be so hard that we need somebody to accompany and help us in bad times. So let's say that you want to be a superstar but you know that becoming a superstar is not as easy as winkling your eyes. You would need people to help you and support you. They might be your parents and your friends. You know that your parents and your friends definitely have their own dreams and expectations, but they sincerely put aside their dreams and support you instead that you'll become the superstar. Your parents probably want to buy something (let's say, a car), but they know that to become a superstar, you have to learn about many things so they spend their money for you and put aside the wish of having a car. Your father might go to work by train or bus, because he keeps the money that should have been allocated for the new car for you. Your mother moonlights every day because she knows that her salary might not be enough to support your dreams. Your friends might not help you directly. They might not work hard to earn money that they could buy you nice outfits, but without their support you could not be a superstar. They sincerely support and pray for you that you would succeed.

The people I mentioned, they are minor characters in our life. They sacrifice themselves that we become the major character. I may say that I'm lucky for having minor characters in my life who always sincerely support me, and help me in bad times. In other times, I might be a minor character for someone's life. It's okay. As long as being minor character could help and support him or her, then why not?

There are times when we sacrifice ourselves to help and support other people. But remember that there are people who take one step backward and support us so we could take 'one step forward'.


After all, thanks for Mr. Budi for the inspiration

Music Review: J.ae - Sentimental (2010)

This EP is released in 2010. Quite a long time ago, isn’t it? But I do believe that no matter when good music is made and released to the public, its awesomeness remains (you agree with me, ar?)

So, still.. Boasting this Korean jazz/ballad singer, J.ae (also called as ‘J’ or 제이 (read: ‘Jei’) as one of my favorite Korean jazz/ballad singers. The EP titled ‘Sentimental’ consists of seven wonderful songs, from posh jazzy tune to sentimental ballad. J.ae did not merely sing by herself; she collaborated with some great singers such as Jung Yeob (modern jazz track ‘I Wanna Be Your Love’), Eun Ji Won (smooth and sexy track ‘No.5’), and MBLAQ’s G.O (jazzy, ballad-ish track ‘Even We Can’t Speak of the End’).

Most of the songs are arranged in modern jazz arrangement, and a song titled ‘Angel’s Disguise’, arranged in piano arrangement with touch of semi-Spanish guitar picks. ‘Angel’s Disguise’ could be described as ‘a depiction of angelic woman in classy and mysterious way’. But overall, these seven songs are worth to listen

Chinese Class

Yes, seriously I have to start planning to enroll Chinese class. Due to some reasons, I find Chinese skill is important. As I am an Indonesian of Chinese descendant, I think it would be better for me to know Chinese in order to be able to speak with other people who speak no other language but Chinese.

Well, my Chinese skill is kind of terrible. Often times I mispronounce words which eventually lead to hearer's misunderstanding. I think I need a tutor to teach me Chinese since I cannot learn it by myself. I am also terrible in writing Hanzi. Seriously, often times I forget which line should I stroke first. It sucks and it irritates me, somehow.

The Beach

Paman kedatangan stok-stok terbaru untuk tokonya. Aku membantu paman menaruh kardus besar berisi gelas-gelas plastik kecil ke dalam sebuah rak besar.

“Lee, jangan lupa kardus berisi piring plastik ini juga kau taruh dengan rapi. Biar aku yang mengeluarkan isinya,” ujar paman.

“Baiklah, paman,” jawabku.

Paman melayani petugas distribusi yang datang dengan ramah, sementara aku agak kewalahan dengan stok-stok yang baru datang ini. Ada banyak barang disini dan aku bingung yang mana yang harus kubereskan terlebih dahulu. Hmm... Bagaimana jika aku mulai dengan membereskan botol-botol kecap manis ini, lalu merapikan stok pasta gigi ke lemari, dan kemudian membereskan piring plastik ini?

“Lee, bagaimana?” tanya paman.

“Aku sedang merapikannya, paman,” jawabku.

“Hmm... Kau nampaknya tak pergi bekerja hari ini,”

“Aku ‘kan libur pada hari Jumat,”

“Kau terlalu rajin bekerja, sih. Edvard saja bosan melihatmu,”

“Ah, paman bisa saja,”

“Lee, bagaimana hubunganmu dengan Timothy?”

“Kami? Entahlah, kurasa mulai membaik,”

“Kemarin aku membelikannya mainan baru. Timmy nampak bosan di kamarnya, jadi kuminta pacarmu mengantarku mencari mainan untuk adikmu. Tiffany anak yang baik dan sopan kepada orang tua. Ia benar-benar membantuku,”

“Paman, apa itu tidak merepotkan?”

“Merepotkan apanya?”

“Membelikan Timothy mainan mahal?”

“Aish, kau ini masih saja menyebalkan! Lagipula aku memakai uangku, bukan uangmu! Kau mau kulempar dengan gayung plastik ini?!”

“Tidak! Jangan paman! Aku ‘kan hanya bertanya saja,”

“Kau ini. Awas jika kau bertanya seperti itu lagi,”

“Ya, paman...”

“Oh ya, hari ini kau tak perlu mengantar Timothy ke tempat les pianonya. Aku telah memberitahu Tiffany bahwa Timothy belum kuizinkan pergi keluar rumah. Jadi siang ini Tiffany akan datang, dan aku harap kau bisa menemani adikmu berlatih piano,”

“Hmm... Baiklah,”

“Dan juga, Timothy masih dalam keadaan yang belum benar-benar baik. Kau jangan dulu mengajaknya bepergian,”

“Apa?”

“Ya, kau tak boleh mengajaknya bepergian. Bagaimana jika luka adikmu terbuka lagi?”

“Tapi aku hari ini sebenarnya berencana mengajak Timothy pergi ke...”

“Tidak! Timmy harus beristirahat!”

Aku meringis kesal.

“Ah, setelah ini kau naik saja ke rumah. Tolong cuci baju-baju yang belum sempat kucuci subuh tadi, setelah itu kau boleh beristirahat,”

“Ah, paman ini...”

Aku segera menyelesaikan tugasku dan setelah beres, segera aku naik ke rumah, meninggalkan paman yang sedang sibuk di toko. Duduk aku di kursi piano sambil mengatur nafasku.

“Bagaimana ini? Hari ini aku libur dan ini hari yang tepat,” batinku.

Atau lebih baik aku diam-diam saja membawa Timothy pergi? Tapi percuma juga bila ia susah dibujuk...

Tapi aku harus bisa membujuknya!

----

“Rentangkan lebih lebar jemarimu. Ya, seperti itu,”

Timothy nampak kesakitan ketika ia berusaha merentangkan jemarinya lebih lebar. Di hadapannya adalah notasi ‘La Campanella’ karya Frans Liszt yang ia coba pelajari. Karya klasik itu nampak sulit, terlihat dari betapa Timothy berjuang dengan sekuat tenaga untuk bisa merentangkan jarinya agar lebih mudah menjangkau beberapa tuts yang letaknya terpisah cukup jauh satu sama lain.

“Nampaknya sulit,” aku berkomentar.

“Memang, tetapi adikmu begitu tekun berlatih. Jika ia rajin berlatih, jarinya akan terbiasa dengan rentang tuts yang jauh ini,” jawab Tiffany.

“Kau pernah memainkan lagu ini?”

“Pernah, tapi baru tiga kali aku memainkannya. Lagu ini terlalu riskan untukku. Kelingkingku pernah cedera ketika memainkan lagu ini,”

“Jarimu terkilir?”

“Ya, begitulah. Aku jadi tak bisa mengajar selama seminggu,”

“Jika jarimu terkilir ketika bermain piano, jadi kau tak bisa bermain selama seminggu?”

“Tidak juga. Tergantug bagaimana kondisi lukamu,”

“Kalau begitu jangan berikan Timothy lagu-lagu yang riskan,”

Aku bangkit menghampiri Tiffany dan Timothy, hendak menahan Timmy agar tak memainkan lagu-lagu yang berpotensi mencederai jemarinya. Tiffany menahanku; ia menarik lenganku.

“Lee, biarkan! Lihat,”

Aku memperhatikan Timothy yang rupanya sedang memainkan lagu itu dari awal. Ia memainkannya pelan-pelan, dan aku begitu kagum karena ia bisa memainkannya dengan baik sampai baris ke empat.

“Timmy! Kau memainkannya dengan baik! Walaupun temponya masih sangat lambat, tapi kau memainkannya dengan baik, dan hanya sedikit nada yang keliru! Ah, aku bangga padamu!” Tiffany merangkul Timothy dan memujinya.

“Adikku akan jadi penerus Mozart,” tambahku.

“Adikmu hebat, Lee! Kau bisa bermain seperti dia?”

“Ah, jangan ditanya! Tentu saja aku tak bisa,”

“Hahahaha! Kau juga harus berlatih, Lee! Kau sebenarnya punya bakat, tetapi jarang kau latih. Sayang sekali jadinya,”

“Ya, mungkin nanti aku akan mulai berlatih lagi,”

Jam besar berdentang dua kali. Ah, sudah jam dua rupanya. Aku harus bergegas karena aku akan mengajak Timothy pergi ke suatu tempat. Setengah berlari aku naik ke kamarku, berganti baju, mengambil jaket dan kaus Timothy yang dibelikan oleh Tiffany, lalu membawanya turun. Timothy dan Tiffany terkejut denganku yang nampak terburu-buru.

“Lee, ada apa? Kau berganti baju?” tanya Tiffany.

“Ayo bergegas. Timmy, ganti bajumu,” tegasku.

“Apa? Hey, kau mau membawa adikmu kemana?” tanya Tiffany kaget.

“Aku sudah berjanji mengajaknya pergi saat itu, tapi hujan turun sehingga kami tak jadi pergi. Lebih baik sekarang saja aku mengajaknya pergi,” jawabku.

“Tapi pamanmu melarang Timothy pergi kemanapun,”

“Tapi aku tak punya waktu lagi!”

“Memangnya kau tak bisa mengajaknya pergi di akhir pekan saja?”

“Aku sudah meluangkan waktuku untuk Timothy. Kebetulan hari ini aku memang tak bekerja. Ayo, Timmy. Ganti bajumu,”

Timothy menggeleng pelan.

“Ada apa? Kenapa kau tak mau? Kumohon, selagi aku tak bekerja hari ini,” tanyaku kaget.

“Bagaimana jika paman marah?”

“Aku yang akan dimarahi, bukan kau. Ayolah, kumohon...”

“Lee, kau jangan mengambil resiko!” tegur Tiffany.

“Kau tak mau menolongku?”

Tiffany menatapku tak percaya.

“Kau... Kau mau membawanya kemana?”

“Ke tempat yang sudah kujanjikan padanya,”

“Kemana? Apakah tempat itu berbahaya untuknya?”

“Tidak. Ayo, Timmy. Ganti pakaianmu,”

“Tak mau,”

“Kumohon! Aku berjanji setelah ini aku tak akan mengganggumu lagi jika kau merasa aku mengganggumu,”

“Aku tak mau pergi,”

“Kumohon, Timmy. Hanya hari ini saja,”

Timothy sempat meronta ketika aku memaksanya melepas kausnya, tetapi akhirnya ia mengalah. Aku memintanya berganti baju dan mengenakkan jaketnya. Aku sendiri heran, Timothy tak mengelak atau menghindariku. Apa mungkin Timothy sudah mau berkomunikasi lagi denganku?

“Kau sudah siap?” tanyaku. Timothy mengangguk pelan.

“Ayo, Tiffany. Kita berangkat sekarang,”

“Apa? Lee, kau ingin dimarahi habis-habisan oleh pamanmu?”

“Tak ada jalan lain. Ayolah!”

“Tapi...”

“Kau mau membantuku atau tidak?”

Tiffany nampak ragu. Ia tertunduk lesu, lalu menatapku.

“Pastikan pamanmu tak ikut memarahi adikmu karena kekeraskepalaanmu ini,”

Aku mengangguk setuju.

----

Perjalanan menuju tempat yang kumaksud memakan waktu agak lama. Timothy sampai tertidur di dalam bis. Ia bersandar pada Tiffany. Aku melirik Tiffany yang nampak terkejut karena Timothy tertidur pulas bersandar ke sisi kanannya.

“Berat?” tanyaku.

“Tidak. Tak apa-apa, Lee. Hanya saja posisinya bersandar padaku membuatku agak kurang nyaman,” jawabnya.

“Dorong ia ke arahku agar ia bersandar padaku,”

“Tak usah, Lee. Kasihan adikmu, ia pasti kelelahan,”

Bis akhirnya tiba di perhentian, namun Timothy masih belum bangun. Aku akhirnya menggendongnya keluar bis. Tiffany nampak masih bingung dengan tujuan kami.

“Lee, kau akan membawa kita kemana?” tanyanya.

“Kau lihat saja nanti. Sekarang ayo kita membeli tiket MRT,” jawabku.

Aku bergegas menuju tempat pembelian tiket MRT untuk membeli tiga tiket untuk kami. Tiffany nampak masih bingung tapi aku tak peduli, selama ia masih terus mengikutiku. Kami masuk ke dalam kereta dan kereta dengan cepat membawa kami ke sebuah pulau yang berjarak tak jauh dari pulau Singapura. Tiffany mulai sadar kemana aku akan membawa mereka. Ia menatapku bingung.

“Lee, kau akan membawa kami ke Universal Studio?” tanyanya.

“Tidak,” jawabku.

“Lantas?”

“Kau lihat saja nanti,”

“Lee, kau jangan seperti ini! Kau tahu, sekarang paman Richard pasti marah padamu karena mengetahui kau membawa adikmu pergi tanpa seizinnya!”

“Ponselku sudah kumatikan,”

“Bagaimana jika ia menghubungiku?”

“Paman tak tahu nomor ponselmu,”

“Lalu ponsel adikmu?”

“Sengaja kutinggalkan di atas piano,”

“Lee! Kau ini keterlaluan!”

“Kau mau membantuku atau tidak? Kau tak tahu rencanaku, ‘kan?”

“Tapi bukan begini caranya!”

Monorel telah berhenti dan aku bergegas keluar dari monorel, berjalan menggendong adikku sampai tempat yang kumaksud. Tiffany mengikutiku di belakang tanpa tahu apa maksudku sebenarnya. Ia terdengar menggerutu dan mengomeliku, tapi aku acuhkan saja agar ia tahu sendiri maksudku membawa adikku kemari.

“Lee, kau mendengarkanku atau tidak?!”

“Aku mendengarmu,”

“Lalu jawab pertanyaanku!”

“Kau akan mendapatkan jawabanmu nanti,”

“Kau ini menyebalkan! Sekarang aku mengerti betapa keras kepala dan egoisnya kau!”

“Tiffany, kau akan tahu maksud dari apa yang kulakukan ini nanti,”

“Tapi kau berbuat seenaknya seperti ini, membawa adikmu yang masih sakit pergi, dan melanggar larangan pamanmu!”

“Kau sendiri memangnya tak pernah melanggar peraturan sekolah ketika kau masih bersekolah dulu?”

Aku menghentikan langkahku lalu berbalik. Tiffany menatapku tajam. Kali ini matanya tak tersenyum padaku.

“Kenapa kau jadi bertanya seperti itu?”

“Kau pernah ‘kan melanggar peraturan ketika kau bersekolah dulu? Katakan padaku kau pernah kabur dari sekolah bersama Luna dan teman-temanmu untuk berbelanja di mal lalu pulang hampir tengah malam,”

“Bagaimana kau tahu itu?”

“Luna banyak bercerita tentangmu. Sekarang, apa bedanya kau dengan aku? Kita sama-sama pernah melanggar aturan,”

“Tapi itu dulu, Lee. Sekarang aku bukan anak kecil lagi,”

“Aku juga bukan anak kecil lagi sekarang, dan aku sadar aku melakukan hal ini. Kau tahu, sesuatu terjadi karena sebuah alasan. Aku tak melakukan ini begitu saja. Aku harus menepati janjiku pada adikku,”

“Tapi...”

“Kau akan mengerti maksudku nanti,”

Tiffany akhirnya terdiam. Aku melanjutkan langkahku dan Tiffany mengikutiku. Semakin dekat aku dengan tempat yang kutuju, semakin keras terdengar suara deburan itu, dan desir angin yang menyejukkan. Kini di depanku adalah lautan lepas, dengan deburan ombak dan angin yang berhembus lembut membelai wajahku.

“Pantai Tanjong? Kau mau apa disini?” tanya Tiffany.

“Mempertemukan adikku dengan hal yang ia rindukan,” jawabku.

Aku lalu membangunkan Timothy yang masih tidur di gendonganku. Ia menggeliat pelan sebelum membuka matanya.

“Timmy, bangunlah. Lihat,”

Timothy terbangun. Aku lalu menurunkannya. Ia berdiri di sampingku menatap laut yang ada di hadapannya. Matanya terbuka memandang ombak yang berkejaran untuk memeluk pasir putih yang terhampar.

“Timmy, kau ingat kau pernah memintaku membawamu ke laut? Malam itu aku membawamu ke atap dan menunjukkanmu pemandangan malam hari. Kau melihat laut dan kau menangis karena kau merindukan ayah dan ibu. Kau ingat, kita bersama-sama menebar abu jenazah ayah dan ibu saat itu walaupun bukan di pantai ini, di laut di hadapan kita ini. Tapi kau tahu, kurasa laut saling bersatu dan bagaimanapun juga seperti yang kau ketahui, ayah dan ibu telah bersatu dengan laut. Aku tak bisa membawa mereka kembali untukmu, jadi aku membawamu untuk bertemu mereka disini. Kau merindukan mereka, bukan?”

Mata adikku mulai berkaca-kaca. Ia melepas sepatunya lalu mulai berjalan ke tepi pantai. Ia menginjak butiran-butiran pasir putih, lalu terkena terjangan ombak kecil yang tiba ke pantai. Ia berjalan semakin ke tengah, dan ketika air laut sudah setinggi pinggangnya, ia terhenti. Aku melepas sepatuku dan menyusulnya. Aku berhenti beberapa meter darinya, membiarkannya melepas rindunya yang cukup lama ia pendam.

“Ibu... Ayah...”

Timothy memanggil ibu dan ayah. Kudengar ia lalu menangis dan terisak. Semakin lama isakannya terdengar semakin keras. Aku merasa iba pada adikku. Miris sekali mendengarnya menangis seperti ini.

“Aku merindukan kalian! Kenapa kalian tega meninggalkan kami secepat ini!”

Adikku menampar-namparkan tangannya frustasi ke permukaan air sambil tetap terisak. Lama kelamaan, Timothy justru mengungkapkan kekesalannya karena kepergian kedua orangtua kami yang terlalu cepat.

“Kenapa kalian tega melakukan ini! Kami masih membutuhkan kalian tapi kalian meninggalkan kami ketika kami membutuhkan kalian! Aku sangat kesepian tanpa kalian! Kenapa kalian biarkan aku kesepian!”

Aku tak bisa menahan diriku lagi. Segera kudekap adikku dari belakang. Air mataku akhirnya jatuh juga. Timothy berbalik lalu memelukku erat, sangat erat. Ia tenggelam dalam pelukanku dan tangisannya.

“Kenapa mereka tega melakukan ini pada kita! Kenapa! Apa mereka tak tahu betapa kita merindukan mereka!” isak Timothy.

“Aku tahu, tapi aku tak bisa berbuat apapun. Tuhan telah menakdirkan ini semua,” ujarku.

“Tapi apa salah kita! Apa dosa kita! Kenapa kita ditakdirkan seperti ini?”

“Jangan bicara seperti itu,”

“Apa Tuhan membenci kita? Kenapa Tuhan mengambil ayah dan ibu secepat ini?”

“Tidak, Timmy. Tuhan menyayangi kita,”

“Tapi kenapa, Koh! Kenapa ini terjadi,”

“Timmy... Kumohon jangan seperti ini...”

Adikku terisak semakin hebat. Aku mencoba menenangkannya tetapi aku sendiri sudah kalap dengan tangisanku. Aku mencoba menegarkan diriku, lalu berlutut sampai tubuhku setinggi tubuh adikku.

“Timmy, inilah hidup. Kita tak akan tahu apa yang akan terjadi di masa mendatang. Kita mungkin mengalami hal-hal buruk, tapi percayalah akan selalu ada hikmah dari semua kejadian,” ujarku.

“Apa Tuhan sedang menghukum kita?” tanyanya. Aku menggeleng.

“Tidak. Tuhan lebih menyayangi ayah dan ibu daripada kita menyayangi mereka,”

“Tapi... Koh, aku merindukan ayah dan ibu. Aku sangat merindukan mereka,”

“Aku juga merindukan mereka, Timmy. Aku sangat merindukan mereka. Sekarang setelah mereka pergi, hanya kau yang kumiliki. Kau juga, kau tak boleh meninggalkanku,”

Timothy memelukku lagi.

“Maafkan aku, Koh. Maafkan aku karena aku tak mau bicara padamu selama ini. Maafkan aku karena aku sempat membencimu. Aku sadar, hanya kau yang kumiliki sekarang setelah ayah dan ibu pergi,” ujarnya terbata-bata.

“Kau jangan membenciku lagi. Aku tak pernah membencimu. Terkadang kau mengesalkan dan membuatku marah, tapi aku tak pernah membencimu. Aku sangat sayang padamu karena kau satu-satunya yang ayah dan ibu titipkan padaku. Aku tak peduli dengan uang atau barang-barang yang diwariskan mereka untukku. Aku rela itu semua menjadi milikmu, asalkan aku memilikimu. Itu saja,”

“Kau juga, jangan marah padaku karena aku pernah membencimu,”

“Tidak. Tidak akan,”

“Aku akan melakukan apapun agar kau tak menaruh dendam padaku,”

“Benarkah?”

“Aku sungguh-sungguh,”

Aku terdiam sejenak.

“Timmy, maukah kau melakukan sesuatu untukku?”

“Aku akan berusaha melakukan apapun yang kau mau,”

“Setelah ini, kumohon kau mulailah berbicara. Aku merindukan suaramu. Aku sedih melihatmu terkadang menjadi bahan olok-olok orang lain. Kau mau ‘kan mulai bicara lagi?”

Timothy terdiam. Ia menatapku dalam.

“Asalkan kau tak menaruh dendam padaku, tak akan membenciku, dan tak akan pernah berusaha melompat lagi dari Esplanade bridge,” ujarnya. Aku mengangguk.

“Bagaimana kau tahu aku pernah hampir melompat?” tanyaku.

“Jiejie yang menceritakan semuanya. Kumohon jangan pernah terfikir untuk melompat dari jembatan itu lagi,” jawabnya.

Aku tersenyum kecil.

“Jika aku melompat dari atap, bagaimana?” godaku.

“Aku tak mau bicara lagi,” jawabnya.

“Jika aku melompat dari tempat tidur?”

“Silahkan. Lakukan saja,”

“Hmm... Atau jika aku melompat dari atas meja makan, kau masih akan bicara padaku?”

“Aku tak mau mengakuimu sebagai kakakku,”

“Kenapa?”

“Karena Leonard Yeo tak akan melakukan hal konyol seperti itu,”

“Tapi jika aku melakukan itu, bagaimana?”

“Oh, kau pasti kerasukan arwah yang lain. Aku akan memanggil orang yang mampu mengusir roh jahat,”

Aku menatap Timothy, lalu kami tertawa bersama. Kulirik Tiffany yang menonton kami dari jauh. Ia lalu berjalan ke arah kami.

“Kalian sudah berbaikan?” tanya Tiffany.

“Sudah. Timothy bahkan sudah mau bicara sekarang,” jawabku.

“Bagaimana jika aku tak mau bicara?” tanya Timothy.

“Hey, seperti itukah suaramu? Kau punya suara yang bagus, Timmy!” puji Tiffany.

“Benarkah? Tapi... Aku malu jika aku bersuara lagi. Maksudku, orang-orang lain... Mereka...”

“Mereka akan terkejut mendengarmu bicara,” potongku.

“Jika mereka berfikir bahwa selama ini aku berbohong, bagaimana?”

“Bukankah kau telah menjelaskan pada mereka yang sebenarnya sejak awal?”

“Memang. Hanya saja... Kurasa aku tak mau menjadi orang yang banyak bicara,”

“Tak apa-apa. Kau sudah mulai berbicara pun aku sudah senang,”

“Kemarin kau sempat menghinaku karena aku tak mau bicara. Kau bilang aku ini bisu,”

“Aku tak menghinamu. Aku hanya menyindirmu, mencoba mencari cara agar kau mau bicara. Buktinya sekarang kau mau bicara, ‘kan?”

Timothy tersenyum kecil.

“Lee, kapan kita akan kembali?” tanya Tiffany.

“Entahlah,” jawabku, “Aku tiba-tiba merasa nyaman berada disini,”

“Lagipula sudah lama aku tak bermain di pantai. Jiejie, selagi kita berada di pantai kenapa tak kita nikmati saja? Maksudku, kau pernah berkejaran di pantai ‘kan?” sambung Timothy.

“Maksudmu seperti ini?”

Tiffany tiba-tiba menyerang kami dengan cipratan air laut. Aku dan adikku kontan terkejut. Adikku yang sudah lebih sigap ikut menyerangku dengan cipratan air. Kurasa perang air telah dimulai. Kedua tanganku kugerakkan dengan cepat untuk menyerang balik mereka. Gelak tawa menambah keasyikan perang air di sore hari yang cerah ini. Aku bahagia bisa menikmati momen-momen berharga bersama dua orang yang kusayangi sore ini. Tapi yang lebih membahagiakan adalah, bisa berbaikan dengan adikku dan mengetahui bahwa ia akan mulai berbicara lagi. Tuhan, terima kasih.

----

Li...........

*melihat jam di taskbar*

Astaga, 22:33! Angka yang cantik!

Baiklah, jadi pada saat ini juga saya masih bingung untuk memilih spesialisasi jurusan saya. Oh, bukan jurusan angkutan kota yang biasa saya gunakan buat pulang ke rumah. Ini tentang jurusan perkuliahan. Saya ambil jurusan Bahasa Inggris, non-kependidikan alias sastra. Dan semester empat ini saya dihadapkan dengan dua pilihan spesialisasi, linguistics dan literature. Sebenarnya di semester dua saya sudah dapat dua matakuliah beratribut foundation yang jadi dasar untuk dua spesialisasi ini, foundation of linguistics dan foundation of literature. Dua-duanya menarik buat saya, dan tentu saja pasti ada konsekuensi masing-masing, katakanlah tugasnya atau tingkat kesulitan materinya. Buat saya, konsekuensi itu pasti ada dan mau gak mau harus saya ambil. Cuma yang saya bingung sekarang adalah, spesialisasi mana yang mau saya ambil? Menurut saya, both are great and I don't know which one I should choose.

Atau, biar saya ubah sedikit kalimat kompleks berklausa kata benda sebelumnya.

Both would be awesome and I don't know which one I want to choose

Beberapa teman dekat dan anggota keluarga menyarankan saya buat pilih linguistics dengan beberapa alasan yang kalau dibahas disini nampaknya bisa dibuat bahan skripsi, dan sisanya menyarankan saya pilih literature dengan jumlah alasan yang mungkin hampir sama banyaknya dengan jumlah butir-butir UUD 1945. Kalau saya memilih satu spesialisasi dengan alasan menghindari satu faktor yang menakutkan di spesialisasi yang lain, saya rasa nggak ada gunanya karena di masing-masing spesialisasi pasti ada kesulitan dan kemudahan masing-masing. Dan saya rasa itu namanya pelarian, tapi tetap saja di tempat pelarian pun masih bisa kena masalah.

And well I think, kalau saya masuk linguistics, saya bakalan berhadapan dengan hal-hal yang lebih berbau kebahasaan. Mungkin saya bakalan meneliti kenapa sebuah bahasa bisa bervariasi banyak, bisa berubah-ubah struktur atau kosakatanya, jumlah bahasa di dunia bisa bertambah atau berkurang, kenapa ada bahasa yang serupa tapi tak sama, kenapa penggunaan bahasa berbeda-beda berdasarkan usia penggunanya, atau kenapa bisa terjadi fenomena-fenomena bahasa. Saya rasa hal-hal semacam itu yang bakalan saya geluti kalau saya masuk spesialisasi linguistics. Saya rasa, akan ada lebih banyak hal lagi yang saya pelajari di linguistics dan bukan hanya hal-hal yang saya sebut sebelumnya. Lalu bagaimana dengan literature?

However, literature juga punya point of interest tersendiri. Dan tentu saja, literature itu bukan hanya tentang membaca buku-buku tebal berisi kumpulan prosa atau puisi dari era Augustan sampai Post-Modernism. Bukan juga cuma tentang baca Romeo & Juliet, Hamlet, atau mendalami 'Anthem for Doomer Youth' sampai nangis bombay. Saya rasa, literature juga bergulat dengan analisa sebuah discourse; apa pesan yang disampaikan si penulis lewat discourse tersebut, bagaimana penulis itu menggambarkan tema sosial melalui pilihan diksinya, apakah discourse tersebut bersifat satirik atau melukiskan ironi, bagaimana mental state si penulis ketika menulis discourse tersebut, bagaimana pandangan penulis tentang isu yang dibawa discourse tersebut, dan masih banyak lagi. Ah, dan tentu saja bagaimana discourse tersebut memberi pengaruh kepada pembacanya menjadi poin yang bisa dianalisis di spesialisasi literature ini. Literatur dan kehidupan, saya rasa mereka tidak bisa dipisahkan. Dari karya-karya literatur, kita bisa melihat dunia lebih luas; memahami perbedaan yang ada, mengalami sebuah insiden atau pengalaman secara tidak langsung, atau memiliki cara pandang terhadap sesuatu yang lebih luas.

Gambaran pribadi saya mengenai linguistics dan literature sudah saya berikan, dan sekarang saya masih tetap bingung mana yang harus saya pilih. Ada banyak faktor yang membuat kebingungan saya semakin memuncak, tapi besok saya harus punya keputusannya. Maka...


Ekspektasi..

Gambaran masa depan..

Prospek kerja..

Minat..

Bakat..

Kemampuan pribadi..

Ketidaksukaan..

Dukungan..


So I close my eyes, take a deep breath, encourage myself, open my eyes, and smile.
Alright, I have made my decision. I choose li.....



*to be continued*

New Year's Eve 2013

There was a small house-party on last new year's eve and we had barbeque party, too. I was simply disappointed by the absence of my big brother and big sister, but my friends, my relatives, and my sister-in-law came to have a great time with me.

Cool! Elle, my sister-in-law came and helped us prepare for the barbeque. She is an amazing chef. As the result, our satay was good. It was really good. It was so tasty. Erie and Shari came, too, as well as Derrick, my cousin, and Ferry, my high school mate. And it looked like Derrick and Ferry are good satay chef ㅋㅋㅋ

And then the fireworks started blasting, coloring up the dark sky. We went out and saw it from the front yard. But the party did not just end. Koh A Chong and Sebastian came and we had movie-train session from 1a.m to 7a.m. We had had photo session before the movie-train session started.

from left to right: Koh A Chong, me, Derrick, Sebastian, Elle, Shari, Erie

Thanks for coming to the party, guys! :D