Glamorous Prisoner Alike

I don't care. No matter how beautiful it is made from the glass, diamond, shitty gold, silver. No matter how many things it has within, how many stuffs it has within. Once it's called prison, so yeah it is. You might remember the story about a hummingbird in a cage. The owner decorated the cage with gold, ornaments, put a swing, water-glass, and little comfy pillows into the cage. That little hummingbird might enjoy the 'facilities', but he didn't get his freedom. So, no matter how luxurious it was, the bird wouldn't sing or hum. The owner asked that little pity hummingbird to hum and sing. He (a bit) forced the bird to sing whereas that little bird was so tired. Everytime the bird looked out the window and saw his friends humming chirping singing happily on the branch, he tried to get out of the cage. It made him basically depressed so he wouldn't sing. If the owner kept doing it to him, he could die miserably.

Or remember about the luxurious prisoners? They might be corruptor or millionaire, had earned a lot of money. So once they sentenced to be jailed, they could pay for extra facilities for their jails. How come! 42 inch LCD television, mini-bar, comfy couch, king-size bed, air conditioner, tablet PC, coffee-maker, even private bathroom inside a jail? Were they building a hotel room or what? Hahahaha, I know one thing and I'm totally sure. They weren't ready for the jail so they tried to 'move' their houses to the prison. Deep inside their heart should've said like this, "However, this is a 3x4 metres square jail where I can't breathe the fresh air. Air conditioner might be able to set the temperature as cool as we wish. But it couldn't give the real fresh air like the one outside there. They don't set me free".

Get the pressures from them, threatened, given (read : forced) so many dumpy tasks to do, so quickly I become quite rascal. I always try to get out and runaway, eventhough runaway won't solve the problem. At least, I just want to breathe the fresh air. I just want to sing happily like the hummingbirds singing on the branch of apple tree. I don't care whether its service is great. I know that what's written in the leaflet is different with the fact. For this long, my parents pay for my sadness. Because I don't get anything. I get the sadness and threats. Unnoticed, left alone, and I don't belong.

Dear God.. I wonder how long I can survive there..

4 Years Has Explained It All

I should hadn't decided it or changed my decision of moving. Or I might be in confusion and trapped in a dilemma so I decided to move. But lately I was aware that it wasn't the answer for what I'd wanted as my best. I've been there, in that place for about 4 years. Counted since 2006, when I was in 2nd year of primary high school. So I must have seen so many changes and I must have known what got worse and got better. In percentage, I bet it's about 75% to 80% the things get worse. I lost the best teachers ever and yeah so hard to ask them to come back. Perhaps some of them are too tired to come back, or unwilling to teach in that place again. Especially if they realise the newest condition of the place. I'm not going to blame them for departing the place because of the guys. So, will I do the same like they've done?

Majority, guys who have been in that place before and now they're out of that place. They're unwilling to come back (to sign). They've seen the changes and what do they think about that?

"Suck it!"
"Oh God, I don't believe that. Totally changed!"
"I can't believe that. Everything gets worse, huh?"
"Pah! I don't wanna come back there. It's enough! 3 years are enough for me."
"Hahaha! So happy being outta there. I'm unbounded!"
"Wow, how could?"
"Thanks God I've been graduated and live in another story!"
"I don't know everyone here. Everyone has changed, so does the environment."
"All are rascals, eh?"

So happy to be like them. I wish I can be unbounded. Hey, why should I learn or go to school if I'm not happy being there?

Feel Pity of My Parents, But Also Irritated..

Dilemma. Shit, I don't wanna be trapped in this situation. Yeah, a situation where I should be pity of my parents whereas what they do or what they say are totally irritating. Little fights can cause bigger and bigger trouble. And the peak is when one of us starts crying. Well actually it's damnfully hurting. Mom keeps making me annoyed and irritated until finally I scream aloud or runaway from home as the climax. Dad is hardly ever at home. Getting busier day by day with his works, so I almost lose the figure of dad. The saddest part, when every birthday my dad is not around. Singapore, Borneo, Bali, Thailand, what I want for the birthday is presence. IDR 500.000 is in my hand, but it's going to be useless when the family is incomplete. I've been like that, birthday without my dad even without both of my parents for so long. Soon I get used to celebrate it with my friends. So once we celebrate it together at home, I feel so strange. When I ask them to gather on my birthday, and I really really want them to be there. Instead they reply, "You should understand! You never want to understand. How can you grow up if so? Dad is busy and you keep asking him to be there! You have to think about that, don't be selfish!". Mom, look at me. I'm a boy without dad if so. See, how did dad come home and stayed for a night only then he'd fly to another city, over and over again?!

The decision to move. It's in my hand now. I can decide to move or not. I wish to move, yeah I wish. But, I look back at my parents. They have paid for that expensive, and when I decide to move, it means that they should pay more. I see how hard they've worked for us. They carry heavier loads than me. I'm depressed, harassed, devastated, threatened indirectly, insulted, even forced to do something I don't like (or at least I'm too tired to do that). That's all the main point, why I should move soon. But.. look back at my parents again. Feel so pity of them. I should stay in my school, yeah.. keep tortured, at last for last a year. But, that year, it's gonna be hard year. Counting day by day, I wonder how hard it will be. How many threats and insults I should face again?

Definitely can't be considered as 'healthy' person. I'm so sick. So sick. Let me make a confession here : I keep trying all the way to run and to refresh my mind from those shits. The way I refresh my mind and get out from that fucking life : Dancing, listening to the music, playing music, going crazy (like laughing aloud or getting drunk), and.. the last point I shouldn't mention it. Calm down, I won't mess with anyone. And how many nights should I face with tears? Midnight with tears, I almost have it every night. I haven't done something for my parents. So I should do something for them. But sometimes their words are annoying and make me mad. I don't know what to say but actually I hate to be like this. Sometimes I think to cut off my head or hang my neck on that birch tree or burn myself or drowning myself into a hot tub.