Not In The Way I'm Exactly

I'm not on my way, I guess I should turn back and see what has been left. So, where have I been into for so long? I'm not getting drunk but I'm driving myself into the wrong way. Seems like I should look back into my map and re-plan my trip.

Turning back to the way I was, when I was in really really the way I was. I had all my weaknesses and my excesses. I wasn't really happy, but at least I was in the way I was which made me comfort. I had no forces, and wasn't forced. I had troubles but I had also my happiness. I saw the both of good things and bad things. I used to stay up until 11 o' clock in the nighttime, wasted my time by editing some pictures, drawing something, crying for something miserable, laughing crazily so pee on bed, doing my damn homeworks, listening to my playlist and at last, doing nothing. The situation wasn't at the best state, but I used to be like that in the situation such a boring life. And I felt no bad of that. I didn't give damn at all.

Things started changing when I had my new life, when everything and everyone changed as I changed myself. I was the bookworm one, the geeky one, a 15 years old boy into classical music, violin, piano, jazz, and Pump it Up. I woke up in the morning and prepared everything for my school. I followed the school rules and became a shit ruled by the rules. I was a nice kid, and obeyed almost everything they said. I preferred to give in and let them win that shit. I slept for approximately 7 hours every night, spent my time for studying or listening to the music or reflecting myself. I prayed so the nightmares wouldn't haunt into my dreams.

But seems like everything has changed a lot so now I'm a 16 years old boy into electro-house (I've been into electro-house for a long time but it's more intense nowadays), flaming cocktail, nightlife, drunkard drinking a dozen glasses of Kamikaze, rascal, skipping school, and disobeying the rules. I sleep lately at 3 o' clock in the morning and I find myself half-awaken at 11 o' clock. I sometimes skip the school and just go somewhere I can belong and have some fun. I dance crazily and hurt myself when I'm hurt. I scream when someone snap me, I rap sarcastically when someone chaff me. Everything has changed, so have I.

But I don't know why. I don't feel like the 'real' Kaz as I used to be. Kazuma wasn't like that. But Kazuma enjoys to be like that. Everything's so wrong but so right. Yep, hot and cold. I think I'm not in the way I am. I didn't use to stay up for that late. I didn't use to go to nightparties or pub, or dance crazily even hurt myself when I was hurt. I don't know what's going on, what's happening in my mind. Random shits fulfills my mind and slowly I'm going to explode. I lose my character and this is not the real me. I've adapted myself into a new environment. But the result of the adaptation doesn't make me comfort. Something's wrong inside. And I don't know what's that.

I try to be myself in my new environment but still I don't feel belong. I'm on A and they're on B, unless I'm on B and follow the B. I realize that I've done something which doesn't describe me in fact. I feel so far from my Lord and I just want to confess all my sins (if I did). The 'new' Kaz isn't always good at all. Just like new technology which connects people from computer to computer. Doesn't it make people meet them easily by talking via chatbox or testimonial box or 'wall'? And it makes people miss something important : Direct (read: Live) Communication, human-to-human. Something new isn't always good at all. And I think I should turn back to where I've been and starting a new trip. Maybe to the same place somewhere I can be happy and live peacefullly, but I'll choose better way(s).

Wishes That Will Never Come True

One of the human basic attitude is never satisfied at all. And sometimes it becomes a nightmare for some people. It also affects my life. As I still consider myself as a human, I realize it and know that something must have been affecting my life.

My life is full of insane ambitions, irrational wishes and illogical expectations. The wishes, the expectations, they keep coming day by day and there start random shits in my mind, keep lingering over and over again like a volcano about to erupt and finally explode like Allegro Vivacissimo. And unfortunately most of them are irrational and illogical expectations. Seems like hoping for a fire in the deep of the blue north Atlantic where Titanic has laid upon the sea floor for more than 90 years. I don't believe that, I've been living with such of crazy wishes like them. And I can't believe that I've made it through (read: nightmares).

The confession will be told here. A large number of insane expectations has been haunting me for a long time. The first is about my family. I'm so sorry but sometimes, I wonder to choose my own family, the members, the lot, the money that will never run down to bankrupt. Just like The Sims, you create your own family, you move them into an empty lot or a new house, you buy the things, you live the life. But life isn't The Sims which enable you to control anything in your hand. God has made it, God has created it, God has planned it. And we're playing on His big drama. No one knows when will he stop from the drama. Everyone has his/her own time to play and quit. But 'The Director' makes it secret. I realize that I should live my life. I know how's that. I know this drama sometimes won't be like I want. Sometimes a protagonist doesn't have a happy scenes or beautiful scenes, instead lives the life with the sadness, sorrow, even disasters. A protagonist sometimes faces great enemies and gotta kick 'em away. That's not an easy thing to do. A protagonist sometimes faces a complicated trouble that mazes their mind. It's not easy to be a protagonist, eventhough the antagonist is also hard to be played.

It may seem kinda selfish thing, choosing your own family. Arrange the members and set the characteristic. Choose the physical identity and cheat the money. Build the house as big as great as fabulous as you want. And then just enjoy the rest time. I know it will never happen. But sometimes, I just want to end these all and find the new one. The new life. How to find the new one?

I don't even know how to answer that. I'm lost in my own mind, drowned in my random shits. Can't breath, like freeze. So I have no idea and lost deeper and deeper. Whereas the wishes and the dreams keep haunting me and scaring me. The envy starts growing up. I'm trapped and don't know what to do. Seems like hanging myself is the last phrase, although I know I won't do that.