Not In The Way I'm Exactly

I'm not on my way, I guess I should turn back and see what has been left. So, where have I been into for so long? I'm not getting drunk but I'm driving myself into the wrong way. Seems like I should look back into my map and re-plan my trip.

Turning back to the way I was, when I was in really really the way I was. I had all my weaknesses and my excesses. I wasn't really happy, but at least I was in the way I was which made me comfort. I had no forces, and wasn't forced. I had troubles but I had also my happiness. I saw the both of good things and bad things. I used to stay up until 11 o' clock in the nighttime, wasted my time by editing some pictures, drawing something, crying for something miserable, laughing crazily so pee on bed, doing my damn homeworks, listening to my playlist and at last, doing nothing. The situation wasn't at the best state, but I used to be like that in the situation such a boring life. And I felt no bad of that. I didn't give damn at all.

Things started changing when I had my new life, when everything and everyone changed as I changed myself. I was the bookworm one, the geeky one, a 15 years old boy into classical music, violin, piano, jazz, and Pump it Up. I woke up in the morning and prepared everything for my school. I followed the school rules and became a shit ruled by the rules. I was a nice kid, and obeyed almost everything they said. I preferred to give in and let them win that shit. I slept for approximately 7 hours every night, spent my time for studying or listening to the music or reflecting myself. I prayed so the nightmares wouldn't haunt into my dreams.

But seems like everything has changed a lot so now I'm a 16 years old boy into electro-house (I've been into electro-house for a long time but it's more intense nowadays), flaming cocktail, nightlife, drunkard drinking a dozen glasses of Kamikaze, rascal, skipping school, and disobeying the rules. I sleep lately at 3 o' clock in the morning and I find myself half-awaken at 11 o' clock. I sometimes skip the school and just go somewhere I can belong and have some fun. I dance crazily and hurt myself when I'm hurt. I scream when someone snap me, I rap sarcastically when someone chaff me. Everything has changed, so have I.

But I don't know why. I don't feel like the 'real' Kaz as I used to be. Kazuma wasn't like that. But Kazuma enjoys to be like that. Everything's so wrong but so right. Yep, hot and cold. I think I'm not in the way I am. I didn't use to stay up for that late. I didn't use to go to nightparties or pub, or dance crazily even hurt myself when I was hurt. I don't know what's going on, what's happening in my mind. Random shits fulfills my mind and slowly I'm going to explode. I lose my character and this is not the real me. I've adapted myself into a new environment. But the result of the adaptation doesn't make me comfort. Something's wrong inside. And I don't know what's that.

I try to be myself in my new environment but still I don't feel belong. I'm on A and they're on B, unless I'm on B and follow the B. I realize that I've done something which doesn't describe me in fact. I feel so far from my Lord and I just want to confess all my sins (if I did). The 'new' Kaz isn't always good at all. Just like new technology which connects people from computer to computer. Doesn't it make people meet them easily by talking via chatbox or testimonial box or 'wall'? And it makes people miss something important : Direct (read: Live) Communication, human-to-human. Something new isn't always good at all. And I think I should turn back to where I've been and starting a new trip. Maybe to the same place somewhere I can be happy and live peacefullly, but I'll choose better way(s).