Wishes That Will Never Come True

One of the human basic attitude is never satisfied at all. And sometimes it becomes a nightmare for some people. It also affects my life. As I still consider myself as a human, I realize it and know that something must have been affecting my life.

My life is full of insane ambitions, irrational wishes and illogical expectations. The wishes, the expectations, they keep coming day by day and there start random shits in my mind, keep lingering over and over again like a volcano about to erupt and finally explode like Allegro Vivacissimo. And unfortunately most of them are irrational and illogical expectations. Seems like hoping for a fire in the deep of the blue north Atlantic where Titanic has laid upon the sea floor for more than 90 years. I don't believe that, I've been living with such of crazy wishes like them. And I can't believe that I've made it through (read: nightmares).

The confession will be told here. A large number of insane expectations has been haunting me for a long time. The first is about my family. I'm so sorry but sometimes, I wonder to choose my own family, the members, the lot, the money that will never run down to bankrupt. Just like The Sims, you create your own family, you move them into an empty lot or a new house, you buy the things, you live the life. But life isn't The Sims which enable you to control anything in your hand. God has made it, God has created it, God has planned it. And we're playing on His big drama. No one knows when will he stop from the drama. Everyone has his/her own time to play and quit. But 'The Director' makes it secret. I realize that I should live my life. I know how's that. I know this drama sometimes won't be like I want. Sometimes a protagonist doesn't have a happy scenes or beautiful scenes, instead lives the life with the sadness, sorrow, even disasters. A protagonist sometimes faces great enemies and gotta kick 'em away. That's not an easy thing to do. A protagonist sometimes faces a complicated trouble that mazes their mind. It's not easy to be a protagonist, eventhough the antagonist is also hard to be played.

It may seem kinda selfish thing, choosing your own family. Arrange the members and set the characteristic. Choose the physical identity and cheat the money. Build the house as big as great as fabulous as you want. And then just enjoy the rest time. I know it will never happen. But sometimes, I just want to end these all and find the new one. The new life. How to find the new one?

I don't even know how to answer that. I'm lost in my own mind, drowned in my random shits. Can't breath, like freeze. So I have no idea and lost deeper and deeper. Whereas the wishes and the dreams keep haunting me and scaring me. The envy starts growing up. I'm trapped and don't know what to do. Seems like hanging myself is the last phrase, although I know I won't do that.