Sunny Has Changed

Setelah lama tidak nge-post hal-hal yang berbau KPop, saya sekarang malah mau ngomentarin penampilan Sunny SNSD. Bukan mau ngomentarin penampilan di panggung, tapi maksud saya adalah appearance-nya. Dan tenang aja, bukan komentar yang buruk dari saya. Malah saya ngeliat perubahan-perubahan yang terjadi sama Sunny sebagai metamorfosis yang menakjubkan! *wow*

Awalnya sih ngeliat Sunny itu sebagai sosok yang imut, aegyo sih istilahnya. Apalagi liat penampilannya di MV "Oh!", Sunny keliatan cute dan enerjik. Kalau dibilang kayak anak-anak sih... nggak juga, tapi memang dia keliatannya ya, aegyo! Bahkan di album Korea saya, beberapa foto Sunny waktu rambutnya belum di-dye jadi blond, dia masih keliatan aegyo.

Setelah Sunny nge-dye rambutnya jadi blond, saya juga masih ngeliat image dia yang aegyo. Dan beruntungnya namanya Sunny karena yang saya sering liat (atau mungkin naturally) ekspresi wajahnya itu sering senyum (murah senyum), jadi cocok sama namanya.

Atau kalau mau liat lebih jelas sih nonton MV "Visual Dream". Disana Sunny banyak dapet vocal part dan yang jelas lebih keliatan aegyo-ness nya *hahaha*

Tapi waktu SNSD meluncurkan album "The Boys" dan saya liat MV-nya, penampilan Sunny banyak berubah. She had her hair cut and she looks different on the MV! Saya malah awalnya hampir gak ngenalin Sunny (her smile is the key). Dengan potongan rambut pendek dan outfit yang menurut saya nggak terlalu seksi, buat saya image Sunny berubah dari seorang Sunny yang aegyo jadi seorang Sunny yang feminin, bahkan glamorous! Saya coba cari foto-fotonya di nate dan dapet beberapa foto terbarunya. And somehow, she still looks cute! Jadi, image Sunny sekarang gak cuman cute, tapi juga feminin, dan glamorous (menurut saya). 

Oh ya, dengan tatanan rambutnya yang pendek, Sunny juga bisa looks sporty! Dari beberapa gambar yang saya dapet, Sunny keliatan sporty. Terutama kalau dia udah pakai jaket dan hoodie yang nutupin rambutnya.

That's all. That's how Sunny impresses me with her looks, and her smile. 


pics got from nate

Lonely

Dalam hidup saya, udah biasa banget mengalami fase rame dan kesepian. Hanya saja ketika fase rame, saya terlalu gembira dan kadang sampe lupa diri. Happiness is an oblivion. Dan ketika saya masuk ke fase kesepian, well I can't even move on or step up.

Lantas apa yang bikin saya ngerasa sepi? I don't really have many friends. Mungkin sebatas kenal dan nggak nyampe teman deket, baru sampai level friend atau acquaintance (kalau menurut relationship level di The Sims 3), tapi sebenarnya yang saya butuhkan itu sahabat. Jujur, kalau ditanya senang berteman atau tidak, saya bisa bilang biasa-biasa aja. And even I'm not in really into making friends. Saya orangnya cenderung tertutup, walaupun terkadang blak-blakan. Saya kurang bisa beradaptasi dengan lingkungan dan suasana baru tanpa ada minimal seorang yang jadi pegangan atau patokan. My weakness. Banyak orang bilang saya ini dingin dan sinis, atau mungkin mereka belum kenal saya? Entahlah, yang jelas kalau dibilang sebatas tau atau kenal sih banyak orang yang saya tau. Tapi jadi teman baik atau sahabat? Hanya belasan, mungkin? Kenapa nggak bisa sampe puluhan? Karena saya sering merasa kecewa. Terkadang saya butuh seseorang, lebih tepatnya sahabat ketika saya lagi ngerasa downhearted. Saya tau bahwa nggak bisa setiap orang selalu ada buat saya, tapi setidaknya minimal peduli kan bisa. I feel neglected. On this old earth with approximately six billions people, yang peduli sama saya mungkin sedikit. Mungkin satu banding seribu atau satu banding seratus ribu. That's sad. I feel lonely when everybody are cheered.

Banyak faktor termasuk perbedaan yang bikin saya juga ngerasa kesepian. Mungkin berbeda kesukaan bikin saya jadi nggak cocok buat berteman dengan seseorang. Entahlah, pikiran saya memang pendek atau saya memang idiot. Tapi dari kesukaan itu, munculah preferensi seseorang dalam berteman. Mungkin saya bisa bilang lebih senang berteman dengan si A daripada si B, tapi bisa aja si A lebih senang berteman dengan si C daripada dengan saya. Itu adalah kenyataan yang bikin saya kecewa sebenernya. Saya nggak bisa maksa si A buat harus terus berteman dengan saya. Saya mungkin anggap dia sahabat, tapi mungkin dia anggap saya sebatas teman main atau semacamnya. Perlahan saya mulai berfikir kenapa harus ada yang seperti itu? Saya juga lemah, nggak bisa bangkit dari keterpurukan yang melanda. Saya jadi bertanya sama Tuhan, kenapa sih kok Tuhan nggak adil. Saya bener-bener kesepian, dan saya ngerasa nggak ada orang yang mau peduli. Maka saya coba buat bangkit sendiri, tapi rasanya tetep sakit.

Saya nggak tahu harus berkata apa lagi, karena yang ada dalam pikiran saya ya, rasa sakit. 

A Spirit of Saving

Sepertinya bulan ini saya punya banyak pengeluaran uang. Saya jadi sering withdraw dari rekening tabungan saya karena saya rasa saya ini lagi banyak ingin beli ini itu (or at least, DJMAX Technika and out-for-dinner are good reasons). Sekuat-kuatnya nahan godaan supaya nggak beli ini itu, tetep aja berujung di boks ATM. Mungkin saya harus dikurung di rumah selama sebulan supaya nggak jajan ini itu atau main kesana sini terus.

Soal nabung-menabung, sebenernya saya udah nggak asing lagi sama budaya itu. Saya malah dari dulu emang udah dibiasakan nabung buat beli sesuatu yang saya pengen. Cuman entah kenapa semakin dewasa, semangatnya tambah menurun. Mungkin bukan semangat yang menurun, tapi godaan yang tambah edan. Saya suka bangga sendiri kalau di awal bulan saya ngeliat total uang yang ada di rekening saya bertambah seratus atau dua ratus ribu gara-gara berhasil nabung sebesar itu bulan kemarinnya. Rasanya itu kayak Katy Perry yang dari dadanya meletus fireworks warna-warni (eh?). Kenapa sampai sebangga itu? (padahal dipikir-pikir lebih bangga lagi kalau uang bulanan itu nggak dipakai selama sebulan, walhasil bulan depan totalnya jadi dobel)

Nabung sebesar seratus ribu atau dua ratus ribu mungkin kedengerannya gampang. Tapi pada prakteknya, gak segampang yang dikira. Ketika kita udah bisa mengontrol emosi dari barang-barang bagus atau maen game, bahkan makan diluar, masih ada cobaan tak terduga seperti bayaran buku, uang kas, dan biaya-biaya surprise lainnya. Biaya ini lah yang disadari ato nggak, perlahan tapi pasti bisa juga menguras rekening kita. Ya setidaknya kalau bayar uang kas itu masih biasa, tapi urusan bayar buku atau biaya-biaya yang besarnya diatas 20 rebu, nah itu lumayan lah bisa menguras rekening. Apalagi kalau bertubi-tubi, that's very... very wow!

Mengingat urusan nabung juga, dulu saya ini rajin nabung. Malah lebih rajin daripada sekarang. Walopun dulu cuman bisa nabung seratus dua ratus, serebu, dan bersyukur banget kalo dapet seratus rebu, tapi tetep saya tabungin. Saya dulu jajan pakai uang yang emang dikasih buat jajan, sementara duit buat nabung itu bisa dikasih dari orangtua, angbao, ato nggak kembalian sisa jajan itu. Dan karena rajin nabung itulah keinginan saya nggak tanggung-tanggung. Waktu saya kelas satu SD, saya bisa beli bola basket sendiri pake uang hasil tabungan saya. Yang edannya lagi, semakin besar keinginan saya tambah sinting (dan syukurnya sempat terrealisasi). Saya pernah nabung buat beli chandelier yang digantung di ruang tamu (sebelum rumah saya pindah), dan juga sempet ingin beli grandfather clock. Nggak cuma itu, saya juga ingin beli piano dan biola. Mungkin keinginan anak SD untuk punya piano atau biola masih bisa ditoleransi, tapi gimana dengan chandelier dan grandfather clock? Bersyukurlah orangtua saya rupanya ngedukung keinginan saya ini, dan akhirnya bisa terrealisasi. Rasanya bangga banget punya chandelier yang dibeli dengan hasil nabung sendiri. Dan tentang grandfather clock, sebenarnya belum terrealisasi. Tapi sebagai gantinya, dibelikanlah jam dinding dengan bandul sebagai pengganti kehadiran jam besar di rumah. Tapi setidaknya, keinginan-keinginan yang edan waktu saya masih kecil udah terrealisasi.

Lantas gimana dengan sekarang? Yang saya rasa harus saya lakukan adalah semakin memantapkan semangat nabung dan lebih menutup mata dan telinga dari godaan-godaan yang bikin dompet semakin tipis. Keinginan boleh ada, tapi keinginan itu harus direalisasikan dengan beberapa pengorbanan, salah satunya ya menabung. Semoga akhir bulan ini saya masih punya seratus ribu tambahan di rekening.

Go, go, semangat!

Sometimes Things Come So Suddenly

Well, you know sometimes bad things happen to us suddenly. So, I'm one of those people who cannot predict what will happen. Those who are given the ability to predict what will happen in the future, they're lucky somehow regardless of the negative side-effects. But I cannot. I can't predict what will happen so I might say that I can think about the anticipation when bad things come, but I'm not fully prepared. I still am not ready yet to face any bad things awaiting.

What lies ahead is such a secret. I never know what will happen next. This life is full of surprises. Something surprising or shocking comes suddenly. I never have a notification of something about to occur, but sometimes I have some signs. Signs do not always lead to the exact event. A sign might be a warning of something. Yes, probably that's how God gives you time to anticipate, or even prevent something bad to happen. Even though death is something undeniable, once you see sign of someone's death you can anticipate yourself not to get too downhearted.

You might have had a sequence of unfortunate events in your life. Bad things happened in such a sequence, playing like a monochrome, silence film. You wanted to scream but you were muted. The days felt like years since the sadness and sorrow fulfilled each single day. But you had never wished unfortunate events in your life, right? Because they come so suddenly and you cannot prepare yourself to cope with anything. Things come and probably make a big difference. Some things happen to change your life into something better, while the rest change your life into something monstrous, a nightmare that you never wish to have.

Screenshots: Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

Tugas dan Tanggung Jawab

Kalau berkaitan sama tugas kelompok, saya orang yang memang sering ngasih pilihan (walaupun terkadang berakhir dengan "terserah sih"). Tapi setidaknya, saya sering ngasih opsi ide-ide yang nantinya bisa dipilih sama temen-temen anggota kelompok. Yap, saya biasa kumpulin dulu ide-ide lalu akhirnya saya kasih tau ke mereka dan kasih mereka pilihan.

Tapi yang bikin saya kesal adalah ketika temen kelompok kita malah nggak bisa ngasih jawaban atas pilihan yang kita kasih. Kesal gak sih? Well, I really am annoyed. Betapa tidak, saya udah kasih pilihan ide antara A, B, atau C, tapi jawabannya cuman "terserah aja". Kalau begini, mana kontribusinya terhadap kelompok? At least, anggota kelompok bisa tunjukkan kontribusinya dengan ngasih komentar, saran, atau mungkin nambahin ide lain kalo emang ide yang dikasih kurang proper. Tapi kalau kerjanya cuman ikut duduk doang, dan bilang "Aku sih terserah aja soalnya aku gak tau apa-apa", then how will you help yourself? Ini baru tugas kelompok, belum tugas mandiri. Kalo ada tugas mandiri, and you cannot even help yourself doing something, then how will you cope with the task? Leave it? 

Tugas itu merupakan sebuah tanggung jawab. Yah, apapun yang akan kita lakukan mau nggak mau sebuah tanggung jawab pasti mengikutsertakan sebuah (boleh dianggap parasit atau tidak) resiko. Ya, resiko itu akan kita ambil ketika kita dikasih tanggung jawab. Kalau tugasnya kelompok, berarti tanggung jawab dan resiko harus dibagi ke semua anggota secara adil, supaya nggak ada yang merasa terlalu terbebani atau terlalu santai. Dan ini dia yang seringkali bikin saya kesal. Berkaitan dengan tugas kelompok, menurut egonya pasti setiap anggota pengen dapet kerjaan yang santai. Tapi kita gak bisa egois gitu. Kalau semua orang egois, the task will never end. Membebani hanya sama satu orang? Anggota itu berarti parasit. Menerima beban yang banyak? Anggota itu egois sama dirinya sendiri.

Lalu gimana dengan tugas individu? Makan sendiri tanggung jawab dan resikonya. Kalau untuk tugas individu aja masih nggak mau menerima tanggung jawab dan resiko, ya berarti sudahlah, jangan kerja, jangan lakukan apa-apa karena setiap yang kita lakukan itu yang bersifat aksi, akan memberikan reaksi. Kamu berdarah karena sesuatu melukai kamu. Kamu ditampar karena kamu bersikap kurang sopan atau dibenci. Kamu tertawa karena ada sesuatu yang lucu. Kamu dapet uang kalau kamu bekerja untuk mendapatkan itu. Tanpa aksi, gak akan ada reaksi. Begitu juga dengan kerjaan. Jangan berharap bisa dapat nilai kalau nggak mau ngerjain tugas. Itu resiko.

Kesimpulannya, terima tanggung jawab yang kita dapat. Mau nggak mau itu harus diterima.

Shanghai Lounge Divas

Well I think I'm lucky to have this one, a classic mandapop (华语流行音乐) album titled "Shanghai Lounge Divas", featuring great female mandapop singers performing legendary songs. Listening to each song, it makes me feel like I'm walking back to 1930, sitting on my comfy couch in a cozy living room, listening to this kind of songs from gramophone. LOL yeah, I can even imagine my grandma enjoying a cup of tea and listening to the songs from gramophone. And one more thing, she wears cheongsam!

So here I am sitting and enjoying lovely tunes of mandapop. My favorite picks from the album are Zhou Xuan's Eternal Smile (永遠的微笑), Grace Chang's I Want Your Love (我要你的愛), Pan Xiu-Qiong's Lover's Tears (情人的眼淚), Ou-Yang Fei-ying's Shangrila (香格里拉), Yao Lee's The Spring Breeze Kisses My Face (春風吻上我的瞼), and Gu Mei's Along The River of Love (相思河畔). Those are my favorite songs which I often play in my music player. I often play these songs in bedtime, makes me sleep faster. The characteristics of mandapop distinguish itself from other genres. So talking about mandapop, particularly the songs performed in era of 1930 we can identify obvious characteristics which build the songs. They still use traditional Chinese musical instrument like pipa, even though the song is arranged in western style. The string section arrangement is usually melodic (and for example please search for Cai Qin's Lover's Tears).

It's kind of rare, finding classic albums like this one. I'm so happy having one and I think this is how I respect and appreciate Chinese music. Since I'm a Chinese descendant, so I (still) have to respect Chinese culture. Mandapop belongs to Chinese culture, and it will be always.

Loving What We Own

A couple weeks ago, my brother Izi went home from Singapore. He and his girlfriend invited me to have lunch together. It was almost half past three and I remembered I'd had an appointment before, but I didn't want to miss chance to have lunch together with my brother so I called my friend to come over as soon as I arrived at the restaurant. I thought it'd be great if I could meet my friend and have lunch with my brother and his girlfriend at the same place and the same time.

But it was 4p.m and we all had finished our lunch. My friend did not come yet. I was a bit annoyed so I texted her but I got no reply. I tried to call her repeatedly but she did not answer. Izi started getting tired and I did not know what to do. "Shame on me! I make my brother tired by waiting for my friend whom I don't even know where she is right now", I thought. I reached the climax of the annoyance when she finally texted me to tell that she was at another place. I was furious that I threw my phone. Izi saw it and immediately scolded me.

"What the hell are you doing? Throwing phone will not solve your problem! If you think that throwing your phone will make her suddenly show up here, you're totally wrong! Don't you ever think how hard mommy has worked to buy you this phone?" Izi scolded me.

Then I got annoyed by him. There was a silent for a moment until Izi's girlfriend suggested us leaving the restaurant. I didn't want to talk with Izi so I walked slowly behind Izi and his girlfriend. As an elder brother, Izi finally asked me once again about my friend and he suggested me calling her one more time. He gave me a choice, call her back again twice and let her answer the call, otherwise I could go home. I finally decided not to call her back. I really was over it.

But now I remember how Izi felt that I was so idiot. Wasting things I own, and how I did not appreciate things my mom has given me. Izi was right, throwing phone would not make her suddenly show up. Now I have to try to love and appreciate what I own well. I'll try not to throw my phone when I'm angry. I should remember how hard mom has worked to buy a phone for me. Izi has reminded me not to be idiot, and I should not disappoint him by being idiot anymore. Not in a single chance I can disappoint him.

Oblivion

It was a cold Friday afternoon in autumn. I walked quickly to my residential tower. The shopping bag I carried with my right hand felt so heavy. I just needed a table to put the bag on it. 

“Welcome back, Mike,” said Ms. Luna, the receptionist.
“Oh, hi! It’s a freezing autumn, isn’t it?” I said.
“Yes. I cannot stand staying outside in this season. Else, I have to take care of myself since I easily get a cold,” she replied.
“Well, take care of yourself then,” I suggested.
“Thanks,” she thanked. “Oh, by the way, our security guard found your penthouse unlocked. The door was left open but fortunately nothing happened.” 

Suddenly the lift was open, and then two men walked toward me. They were the security guards in this residential tower. 

“Michael Huang, we’ve told you many times to ensure that you’ve locked your penthouse before leaving! Can you imagine if a stranger enters your penthouse and steals something?” Mr. Evans scolded me.
“I really am sorry but I think I’ve locked the door before leaving,” I said.
“You must have forgotten to lock it again. It’s been a couple times,” Mr. Rajiv said.
“Okay. Here is your key. Please, make sure that you always lock your penthouse before leaving and after entering your penthouse. This is for your goodness.” Mr. Evans added while giving me my penthouse key.
“Thanks, and I really am sorry for inconvenience I caused,” I apologized.
“It’s okay. By the way, where’s Levi?” Ms. Luna asked.
“I don’t know. He’s not home yet. He must be at school,” I answered. “Else, I don’t want to talk about him.”
“You must have quarreled with him again,” Ms. Luna said. I nodded and she sighed.
“But he’s just eleven years old and you’re fifteen. You must have grown up, right? Mike, you have to take care of your little brother while your parents are away,” Ms. Luna advised me.
“But he started it first! He called me “Old Mike” because he thought that I’m careless and forgetful,” I explained the case.
“Alright, now you have to apologize to Levi and explain him that you hate the way he calls you. He’s a nice boy so he will confess his fault,” Ms. Luna said. 

After saying thanks and apologizing one more time, I immediately ran to lift and went up to 15^th floor. As I arrived home, I remembered what Ms. Luna had said to me. Begging Levi’s pardon? It sounded stupid! I looked at the clock on the wall. It showed 5p.m, and it means that I had to prepare dinner for Levi and myself. He didn’t come home yet. I wondered where he was. The school ended at 3p.m so he must have been home now. Ah, why should I care about him? I’d better cook something. As I prepared the utensils, I enjoyed the sunset view from the window. Amber stratocumulus decorated violet Seattle skyline. The view was so incredible. My cell phone suddenly rang when I was slicing the mushroom, and I accidentally cut my finger.

“Damn! It hurts!” I screamed and grinned. “Uh, where’s my phone?”

I looked for my cell phone. It was on the piano. I immediately answered the phone call. The phone call came from Ryu, my cousin. 

“Hello, Michael’s speaking,” I said.
“Mike, it’s me, Ryu. Would you like to come to my apartment? I want to show you something. Esther will come, too,” Ryu said.
“Wow, what’s that?! A new game?” I asked.
“Errr, yeah. Mind to come before seven? I’ll go on 7p.m since I have to buy some science books.” He said.
“Alright, I’m going now. I’ll be there within minutes,” I agreed. 

I ended the phone call and quickly ran to my bedroom. After changing my clothes, I wore my jacket and left my penthouse. At lobby, Ms. Luna greeted me again. 

“Mike, where are you going?” she asked.
“Oh, I’m going to Ryu’s apartment. Why?” I answered.
“No. Actually, I’ve just realized that I haven’t seen Levi these last three days. Where is he? He didn’t run away, did he?” Ms. Luna asked.
“Really? Probably he’s still at school,” I answered. “Or probably you just didn’t see him.”
“Well, I hope I just didn’t see him although this seems weird for me,” she hoped.
“Okay, I think I have to go. Bye!” I said and waved my hand. 

I ran through the blocks to Ryu’s apartment tower so it wouldn’t take a long time. When I arrived at Ryu’s apartment tower, Esther was waiting in the lobby. 

“You’re sweaty. Are you running here?” she asked. I nodded.
“Okay, I’ll let you relax for a while I’m enjoying my tea,” she said.
“Why don’t we just go to Ryu’s apartment?” I asked.
“You have to relax yourself first. Chill out,” she answered. 

Esther suddenly grabbed my hand and I was very surprised. 

“How could it happen? What did you do?” she cried in panic.
“I, I don’t know… What happened with my hand?” I asked.
“Your finger’s bleeding!” she yelled. “We have to treat the wound now before it worsens!”

We quickly went to Ryu’s apartment. Ryu was playing game when we came. I ran toward him and patted his shoulder hard. 

“Hey, bro! Is this your new game?” I asked.
“Yup! Street Fighter 3, “Third Strike”. My dad bought it for me yesterday,” he answered. “Do you want to try?”
“Definitely!” I yelled.
“His finger is bleeding, Ryu. Do you have any band-aids?” Esther asked.
“What? Hey, why don’t you tell me that your finger is bleeding? What happened?” Ryu asked me and became panic.
“I don’t know. Perhaps, it just bleeds,” I answered. 

Esther came and gave me a band-aid and wet tissues. 

“Clean the wound first and then band your finger,” she said. “I have to do something in the kitchen.”

I got confused using the band-aid after cleaning my wound. I wondered how to use it. 

“Mike, what are you doing?!” Ryu yelled at me and came over.
“This is weird. I, I don’t know how to use this...” I said.
“How come you forget using it? Here, I’ll help you. Open the transparent sticker from the plaster first, and then stick the plaster to your wound,” Ryu said while helping me. “Now, it’s done. Let’s play the game!”

Ryu gave me another joystick and played the game with me. The game was so cool, with great visual graphic that successfully amazed me. After playing game for several rounds, Esther called out Ryu. 

“May I talk with Ryu for a while? I hope you’ve finished playing the game,” Esther said.
“Yeah! We already finish another round. Mike, if you want to play again, just play, okay?” Ryu said. 

Ryu and Esther walked to dining room. I peeked what they did from living room. They seemed to be talking about something very serious. 

“Let him now by himself! He will know about it one day!” Ryu forced.
“No! We have to tell him about it! You’re his cousin! How can you not tell him?! His parents are away and we haven’t seen Levi these days!” Esther argued. 

Why were they talking about me? I came over to know what happened. 

“Is there something wrong with me?” I asked. Both Esther and Ryu felt silent.
“You guys are talking about me, right?” I interrogated.
“Michael, we have to talk with you about something. Take a seat please,” Esther said. I sat on a dining chair, between Esther and Ryu.
“Mike, there’s something we have to tell you. I really am sorry to say this but you have to see this,” Ryu said and handed me an envelope. I grabbed something from the envelope. It was a print of X-ray computer tomography.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Do you remember the accident you had three months ago? They had your head CT-scanned and we got the result a week ago. My parents wanted to give it directly to your parents but since your parents have been away for months, so they kept it,” Ryu said.
“What’s wrong with me then?” I asked.
“You must have had a very hard collision that leaded you to a brain-damage. The damage has caused several disorders that might result on…”
“So do you think that I’m mentally disorder, aren’t you?!” I cut Ryu’s explanation.
“Mike, you just don’t understand. We’re explaining you…”
“It’s enough for me! I really am fed up of these all! Why do you guys want to make me depressed? What do you mean by showing me this crappy scan shot?!” I snapped Ryu and Esther.
“We just want you to know about yourself! Mike, that’s why you easily forget things, even simple things you used to know. Sometimes you cannot control your emotion that leads to an extremely furious rage,” Esther said.
“And I’ve talked with my parents about this. We’re trying the best to make your condition better. You’ll be in a special medication and…”
“But I am not insane!!” I screamed at Ryu. 

Reflexively I pushed Ryu until he fell from his chair. His head hit the floor hard that he couldn’t get up. I took a glass on the dining table, about to hit him. 

“Michael Huang, please do not do that!” Esther tried to stop me.
“Mike, please! I just want to help you! I didn’t mean to…”

It was too late. I had hit Ryu’s head before Ryu finished his words. Esther screamed as Ryu fell unconscious. His head bleed violently. I suddenly realized what I had done to my cousin. 

“O God… No, this cannot happen,” I whispered regretfully.
“What have you done!!?” Esther cried hysterically.
“No, no way this can happen!” I said with disbelief and left Ryu’s apartment. 

I left Ryu’s apartment tower and quickly ran to the park. Oh my God, I couldn’t believe I did it to my cousin! I made him violently hurt. I sat on a bench and I felt my head so dizzy. It wasn’t a common headache. My head felt dizzier and dizzier, and I couldn’t stand it anymore. 

“Michael! Where are you?” shouted someone.
“I am here!” I shouted as loud as I could. It was Esther coming over me.
“Michael, are you alright?” she asked and hugged me.
“Esther, what’s happening? What’s wrong with me?” I asked.
“Michael, I really am sorry to say this. You’re suffering from Dementia. It’s caused you to forget things, lose some memories and control of your emotion,” Esther explained and cried.
“Am I… Am I going to die?” I asked again but she didn’t say anything.
“Esther, please tell me. Am I going to die?” I insisted. Esther wiped her tears and smiled.
“You’re going to live long. You’re a strong person. You can make it through,” she said. “Well, I’m going to tell Levi that you’re with me now. I hope he won’t worry about you. We’ve taken Ryu to the hospital so you don’t need to worry about him.” 

Levi? Suddenly I worried about Levi. I wondered where Levi was. And I suddenly remembered what Esther had said at Ryu’s apartment. 

“Sometimes you cannot control your emotion that leads to an extremely furious rage.”

No way! I quickly ran home. Esther shouted at me but I ignored her. As I arrived at the lobby of my residential tower, there were so many people. I saw some police interrogating several people. Ms. Luna was also interrogated by a police. 

“What’s happening?” I asked a police there.
“Are you Michael Huang?” he asked. I nodded.
“I’m sorry to tell you this but your brother was found dead in his bedroom,” the police said.
“No! No way! Levi’s still alive!” I insisted.
“What happened?” Esther asked. I didn’t know that she was here, too.
“Are you his sister?” the police asked.
“I am Michael’s friend. What happened?” Esther answered and re-asked.
“Levi Huang was found dead in his bedroom,” the police answered.
“No! That’s impossible!” Esther cried with disbelief.

The police took Esther and me to my penthouse. As we arrived home, Mr. Rajiv walked toward me.

“We found your penthouse left unlocked, again. When Evans and I checked inside, the television was turned on and you must have forgotten to turn off the stove. There was fire in your kitchen but we quickly extinguished it. I was trying to call you by phone when suddenly Evans called out my name. He told me to come over to see what happened,” Mr. Rajiv explained Esther and me. 

I walked slowly to Levi’s room. I saw Levi was lying dead on the floor. Someone must have stabbed him.  I couldn’t believe my eyes. Blood stained the floor and Levi’s clothes. 

“We’re trying our best to find the suspect. Else, we’d like to express our deepest sympathy of your brother’s death. May he rest in peace,” Mr. Evans added. 

My head felt dizzy again and everything seemed so black, as I recalled something. The flashback appeared in my mind like a lightning. It happened three days ago, on the night Levi called me “Old Mike”.

--

“How could you forget turning off the faucet after using it? I cleaned all the mess when you were away!”
“I did turn it off!”
“No evidence! You let me do all the housework! I cleaned all the mess and cooked meat that was left uncooked!”
“I didn’t cook anything!”
“Why do you keep saying “I didn’t”? Can’t you just confess it?”
“I have nothing to confess! Why are you so annoying?!”
“ How could you forget everything and run away like a jerk, you Old Mike!? You make me much burdened!”
“I am not Old Mike! I really am over your patronizing tone!”

 

I pushed Levi to the wall and hit his head against the wall. Levi screamed very loudly when his head hit the wall so hard. He cried because of the pain. 

“Michael, stop it! You’ve hurt me!” 

I pushed him to the floor so hard. Then I walked to the kitchen and took a knife. Levi was sobbing when I came back to his room. He looked at me fearfully. 

“Michael, what are you doing…”
“I’m going to finish you,”
“No, you cannot do that to me! Mom and dad will be very angry!”
“I don’t care about shits!! You’ve made me very angry! Now, you have to pay what you’ve done!”

 

I pulled Levi’s collar and raised him. He looked very scared and kept begging me. 

“Michael, please release me!”
“Why should I?” I asked.
“Because you’re my brother. Please, you’re not going to do that, are you?”
“Unfortunately, you’re wrong!”

Furiously I stabbed Levi’s stomach. He screamed in pain. I stabbed him several times until I was sure he would no longer breathe. I dropped him to the floor and let him dying there alone. 

“Michael, please help me…” 

But I ignored him. I left him alone. 

--

I looked at Levi’s body. He looked very pale. His eyes stared at me in a sharp sight, while tears made traces on his cheek. What kind of brother I am? Esther screamed and cried hysterically when she saw Levi’s body. She ran toward Levi and hugged him. 

“I really am sorry, Michael,” Mr. Evans said. 

Now I remembered something that I forgot, the death of my little brother. Those people were trying so hard to find the suspect and evidences. Actually, their efforts would be worthless. I was the one they were looking for. I must have had a dark oblivion. I murdered my little brother, and I forgot about it.

Release It

Cause we're better off, separated...

Sepenggal lirik lagu di atas mengingatkan saya sama kejadian beberapa tahun yang lalu, when I was still with someone else. Yah, ketika seorang cowo menyatakan rasa sukanya kepada seorang cewe, lalu menjalin sebuah hubungan, dan tentu saja di tengah-tengah perjalanan mereka selalu ada semacam batu yang bikin kesandung. Tapi batu yang nyandung saya ini bikin saya terseok-seok dan akhirnya nggak bisa melanjutkan perjalanan. Yes, we were separated. 


Batu seperti apa? 


Di awal, semuanya keliatan baik-baik aja. We texted each other, kayak orang pacaran seperti umumnya. Tapi karena saya punya kesibukan yang lebih daripada dia, jadi kita nggak pernah pergi berdua untuk pacaran. Lagipula, saya kan sebisa mungkin hubungi dia dan kirim dia SMS walaupun nggak bisa setiap hari. Apalagi untuk nelpon, nggak bisa setiap hari. Bukannya pelit, tapi kalo ada keadaan urgent dan saya nggak bisa ngeSMS atau nelpon siapapun gara-gara pulsa habis dipake SMS dan telpon dia, that would be very awkward somehow.


Dan dia sepertinya nggak bisa menerima kenyataan bahwa cowonya seperti ini. Ya, cowonya nggak sering kirim dia SMS, apalagi nelpon dia. Cowonya sibuk les dan sekolah sampe sore, sampe nggak bisa jemput ke sekolahnya dan antar dia pulang ke rumahnya. Yah, saya rasa itu bukan kesalahan saya seutuhnya. Saya nggak bisa memaksa juga kalo emang saya sibuk dan, sejujurnya, dia bukan prioritas pertama saya. Tapi tetap, bukan berarti bahwa saya juga akan nge-ignore dia. She was my girl anyway. Semenjak itu, dan karena saya juga udah mulai nggak nyaman dengan protes dia ini itu, hal-hal kecil juga diprotes, akhirnya saya ngerasa risih. Dia juga semakin gencar nyindir saya di social network. Well I didn't really care at that moment. Girls often do that to their boyfriend, so why should I care? Dan, saya nggak pernah dengar atau tahu ada hukum yang mengatakan bahwa seorang pacar harus nelpon pacarnya tiap hari, ngasih kabar ini itu tiap hari, jalan-jalan tiap hari, dan bahkan, harus lebih nurut sama pacarnya daripada orangtuanya. Kita dilahirkan sama siapa memangnya? Kalau udah begini, hubungan yang dijalani seolah nggak ada cinta. 


If love is The Bible, then we are lost in sin. Because it's not in our hearts.


Ya. Saya rasa udah nggak ada cinta lagi. Dan untuk memperjuangkan cinta yang *ceritanya* mulai berlari menjauh, saya rasa nggak ada guna lagi. Sikapnya yang seperti itu bikin saya sadar bahwa dia pengen memiliki saya (almost) absolutely. Saya bukan tipe orang yang pacar-oriented. Saya bahkan lebih milih sahabat daripada pacar. Why? Tanpa kehadiran sahabat atau bantuan sahabat, justru saya nggak akan bisa pacaran sama dia. Tanpa dukungan dan pesan yang mereka kasih buat saya, mungkin hubungan ini nggak akan berjalan. Setelah saya sadar itu, akhirnya saya memutuskan buat merenggangkan hubungan saya sama dia dalam bentuk 'sekedar' hubungan terbuka. 


Keesokan harinya, saya dikejutkan sama berita di newsfeed Facebook kalau berita tentang single-nya dia udah merebak. Ngata-ngatain saya lah, bla bla bla, curhat sana sini, dijelek-jelekin, ah cukup. Untung aja saya udah menyadari bahwa cinta itu udah pergi cukup awal, ketika saya bisa melihat indikasi-indikasi hubungan yang 'memaksa' itu. Lagipula, kalau diteruskan semuanya nggak akan baik. Yang ada cuman rasa keterpaksaan dan sense memaksa yang kuat. Berpisah lebih baik. Setidaknya, akan ada kesempatan yang lebih baik untuk menemukan seseorang yang lebih baik. Sekarang saya sudah bersama seseorang yang lebih baik, dan menjalani kehidupan seperti biasanya. I'm fine now.


Cause we're better off, separated...

Merendah, Untuk Meroket?

Litotes. Sebuah majas yang penggunaannya saya rasa nggak asing lagi di kehidupan sehari-hari. Dalam form yang berbeda-beda, kita bisa menebak kalimat tersebut menggunakan majas ini atau tidak. Litotes, majas yang fungsinya untuk menurunkan kualitas sifat atau keadaan sesuatu atau seseorang dari sifat atau keadaan faktualnya. Digunakan biasanya untuk merendah, supaya kesan yang lebih lemah lembut bisa tercapai. Contohnya dalam kalimat kasual:

"Santai aja, walopun duit gue cuman seperak tapi gue mau kok traktir lu pada,"

Seperak dalam kalimat itu nggak berarti duitnya bener-bener satu perak. Ya, mungkin duitnya nggak banyak tapi seengganya cukup buat traktir temen-temennya. Kesan yang dibuat dari kalimat itu jadi terasa lebih nyaman, sehingga si pembicara nggak terkesan mengagungkan hartanya.

But time changes, so do things. Penggunaan litotes sekarang malah jadi ajang buat meroket alias menyombongkan diri. Banyak contoh yang nggak perlu dibahas lagi dan pemakaiannya udah sering digunakan sehari-hari. Beberapa mungkin digunakan dalam konteks bercanda atau gurauan. Tapi gimana kalau konteksnya malah jadi buat 'beneran' meroket? Menurut hemat saya, kalau memang mau meroket ya sekalian aja gunakan kata-kata yang emang apa adanya. Kalau memang sarkastik, ya sarkasme-nya pakai aja jangan tanggung-tanggung. Untuk meroket dengan pernyataan sarkastik aja udah cukup bikin kesal, apalagi pakai litotes. That is very despicable somehow. Dan inilah kenyataannya, litotes udah bukan dipakai untuk menghaluskan atau membuat kesan lebih lembut pada suatu kalimat. Sekarang, litotes udah bisa dipakai buat menyombongkan diri.

"Apaan, aku orang nggak punya,"

Padahal hartanya kebanyakan, sampe garasinya gak cukup buat koleksi mobilnya.

"Aku nggak bisa apa-apa,"

Padahal multi-talented.

Jadi bagaimana seharusnya kita menggunakan majas litotes itu? Dan bagaimana supaya penggunaan majas litotes kita nggak dianggap sebagai 'merendah untuk meroket'? Use it properly. Kalau memang kita punya kelebihan dalam satu atau beberapa hal, maka bersikap transparan aja terhadap kelebihan itu, dengan tetap tidak menyombongkan atau melebih-lebihkan kelebihan yang ada. Kalo memang kita ada kekurangan, ya sudah jangan ditambah pake litotes. Kekurangan yang kita jelaskan pake majas litotes malah bikin kita seolah nyari simpati. Apa adanya saja. Nggak perlu merendah untuk meroket, karena sebuah roket meluncur itu dengan dorongan mesinnya, bukan ditarik dulu ke bawah lalu dipantulkan kayak ketapel.